Day 386...

I have learned that if I want to keep growing, I have to make choices that are good for me. As I get deeper into this journey, I find that I often put my own needs on the backburner for the sake of others. That is not necessarily a bad thing, but right now, focusing on myself is the most important thing. Once I have discovered a little bit more about myself, I may find I can flip the switch. However, I have found that writing this blog is taking more from me than I am getting in return. So, I have decided that this will be my last blog post.

I wanted this blog-writing thing to go a little differently. I had hoped that I would find that many other people had the same problems as me and that I would be able to start a dialogue between us. Unfortunately, that hasn't been the case. Naturally, my mother has been my biggest fan and commented on everything I've had to say via facebook, but I'm a big girl now, and I have to look beyond what she thinks. Although, I still value and appreciate her comments very much.

There are many things I can't divulge on the web, and I feel it would be more beneficial to me to just go old-school and continue writing in my own private journal where I can be more truthful with myself. Bottom line, I'm putting myself out there, and it's hard. Being that I am still fragile, having little to no feedback at times is detrimental to my growth. The devil can use even something good to bring me down if I let him, and I refuse to do that.

I have always wanted to be an encouragement to others and to share my experiences in hopes that someone else might not feel alone. I will continue to do that out in the world and will always be available should anyone want to talk or need advice. I plan to use my extra time to expand my prayer time with the Lord and to develop my chosen hobby of block-printing. I'm in the early stages of hand-carving my own stamps. My plan is to design stamps, carve them, print them on fabrics, and then sew something awesome out of those fabrics. My ideal goal is to start a real, thriving business doing that. You can get an idea of what I'm going for here: http://melongings.com/design-story/ Only time will tell. Either way it goes, I'm excited about having something fun to do on the side. As my Mama always tells me, “Bye. I love you. Call me if you need me.”

But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

Day 379...

I'm tired, and I'm...(what?) only about a third through my projected life-span. Being a Christian is hard. It's a lot of work. It's being a servant. God calls us to put on Christ as we go about our days on this earth. We are to be immitators of Christ. Let me remind you that Christ was sinless and everything wonderful and good. How in the world can I ever live up to that example? I can't. I'm not worthy, but God tells me I have to try. If I want to get into Heaven, I have to try with everything I have every day of my life.

We all have good traits that we come by naturally. Some of us were even brought up with a great set of morals and values. So, it is possible that a lot of Jesus' attributes come easily to us and aren't so hard. However, I know every one of us has personality flaws that we wish we could change. I, for instance, wish it was easy for me to ignore unsettling things and not allow them to get under my skin. I think Jesus was pretty good at that. At least, he didn't react to his anger in a sinful way. I feel I could do better with that. But, I think I am a great encourager. I think it comes naturally for me to see where someone might need a kind word and feel compelled to speak it to them. So, I try to remember that when I'm not doing so well with the unpleasant anger thing.

It's so encouraging to look back and notice the progress that I've made in my walk with God. Some things that were difficult or far from my mind come more naturally to me now. I pray more often just because I know that I need help with everything. I spend more time in the Word, looking for encouragement at every turn. It is easier for me to replace negative thoughts with positive ones, as I have learned that when I tell myself bad things, I think bad things. I make healthier choices regarding food, portions, and exercise without a struggle, since I have replaced so many bad habits with good ones. Practice makes perfect.

Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28)

Day 372...

It's a new year, so it's time to turn over a new leaf. I decided last week that I needed a more strenuous workout. It was time to graduate to something new and better. I've been hosting a “Zumba World Party” in my living room every morning, and I am loving it! Sometimes a change in scenery can change your perspective.

Speaking of perspective, I've been needing a change in mine. It's my instinct to take the hopeless romantic approach to most things. I've always been a dreamer, and I love this about myself. However, I'm afraid that this has been hindering my forward progress. Recently, I've read some articles that have changed my point of view on my relationship with God. There are three false statements that I have been using for most of my life that I have decided to stop using. It was easier to think romantically about my relationship with God than to take it for face-value.

“God won't give me more than I can handle.” Sure He will. He did it for me in 2013. Just when I thought I couldn't deal with one more obstacle, He gave me another one. But, He did it so that I would turn to Him and seek His guidance, strength and comfort to make it through. I can see that now that the dust has started to settle. I have never been closer to the Lord or more immersed in his Word than I am now.

“God will always do what's best for me.” Nope, He's not necessarily gonna do that either. He will do what is best for the purpose of furthering His kingdom. That might mean that I have to deal with a nasty physical situation. God sees what it will take to set our eyes to desire eternity in Heaven with Him and might do that for us instead, even when it feels painful, unfair, and lonely. Now that I understand this, it's a bit easier to swallow when I think maybe He's not changing my circumstances because someone else needs me to be right where I am. God uses His people to lead others to Him as well.

“God has a wonderful plan for me.” I desperately want this one to be true, but it might not be. God gives us plenty of examples in the Bible of the very opposite of this. I think it is possible that some people do live wonderfully pleasant lives. But, often that has to do with the fact that they have made a point to be content with everything and anything God has in store for them. I am trying to get there.

When I get stuck in a rut, it helps to change the scenery. I love to get out and go to the woods or the beach and just enjoy nature. It helps me feel calm, uplifted, and renewed. I'm beginning to notice that when I change the way I see the different parts of my life, a similar feeling comes over me. Letting God lead is always what is best for me. It makes so many things so much simpler.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3: 5-6)

Day 365...

Well, the day is here! One year ago I began a rather uncertain journey. I wasn't sure how it would turn out. Part of me expected failure, but I proved myself wrong. I shared this little blip on facebook yesterday...A year ago today, I started a journey that I wasn't quite so confident about. 2013 was the most difficult year of my life for many reasons, but I am so proud to say that my journey was a successful one. I became awakened to a lot of roadblocks that have held me back, learned to love who I am and embrace that, and realized that I am much stronger than I have ever given myself credit for. I have become much closer to the Lord this year, have developed a greater sense of happiness in my life, and have developed a natural relationship with food. I lost 48 pounds and 38 inches in 2013, and replaced it with a whole lot of good stuff! I pray I can keep it up in 2014! Thank you all so much for your support and prayers during this journey! It has meant the world to me!

Christmas 2012

Christmas 2013

This journey is not over. I still have more to learn and more weight to lose. But, it's funny how this pathway to self discovery has taken so many turns in the last year. Starting out, I thought it was all about eating less and exercising more, but that is just one small part of the journey I am on. Through all of the twists and turns, I have had to fight the temptation to eat as a way of dealing with all of those situations and emotions. Sometimes I was able to overcome it, sometimes not, but I don't dismiss those baby steps anymore. Baby steps are still steps that get you closer to where you want to go. And, eventually, if you are patient they will get you where you need to be.

In 2013, I learned that...

Those you love will leave this world and leave a hole in your heart.
Friends are not always what they appear to be.
People you care about will mistreat you.
People who don't care about you will mistreat you even worse.
God takes His sweet time in preparing our next opportunity.
If you want them to be, your eyes can be opened to your reality. Some of it ain't pretty, though.
Every day is a struggle. One day, I have it all figured out; the next I have no idea what is going on.
Time changes people. Pay attention.
I love NYC!
Food should be enjoyed slowly, in small quantities.
Exercise is still not my favorite.
I am blessed beyond measure. On the days I am feeling sorry for myself, I should start counting.
I need to make time for me. That means I might have to feel left out or let others down.
The “unhappy voices” get quieter when I choose to think happy thoughts.
If you could end a drought with tears, I've got Texas covered.
Life is hard. Many don't have the courage to share their struggles, but I refuse to be one of them.

In 2014, I want to keep working on shaping myself into a better person, physically and mentally. But, I want to add one specific challenge this year. I want to devote more time to prayer. There is nothing in this life more important than my relationship with God, and I want to build on that.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. (Romans 12:12)

Day 358...

I have used the last couple of weeks to celebrate Christmas but also to give myself a break from all of the pressure that I have been experiencing lately. That is a new direction I plan to explore in this upcoming year. Somehow, somewhere along the way, I decided that I have to give more of myself than there is to give. I try to do everything my husband wants to do, everything my friends want to do, everything my work wants me to do, everything my church wants to do. Then, I realize that I don't have time to do what I want to do. Before long, I am burnt out and just long for a free Saturday of rest and movies. Don't get me wrong...I feel strongly that this life is not about me. It is about God and His will for my life and doing what He wants me to do. But, if I have time to do all of the things that everyone else wants me to do, surely I can find some time for me.

I have come a long way in this last year, but I feel like I have just scraped the surface with all of the things I want to work on and do better with. But, I feel like it is time to focus on life and live it, rather than making every day about being someone different than I am. I have to find a healthy balance of progress and happiness. I have found that trying so hard to be happy also makes me unhappy. I feel like I am trying so desperately to fit into my world, and I am finding that that is quite uncomfortable, and it is a lot of work! I am me, and me is great, and me is like no one else, and that is great, too! If only it were easy to feel that on a daily basis even when all of the cruddy parts of life rear their ugly heads. On the tough days, I have a really hard time not feeling sorry for myself. I hope I'm not alone in that.

I don't have any resolutions for 2014. I don't have any goals or expectations. I would like for some of the things I've been praying about this last year to be resolved. That would be pretty awesome! But, even if that doesn't happen, I hope to find a way to be content with what God has blessed me with. I think we all want something we don't have, and even when He gives us what we want, we find something new to want. I am thinking seriously about taking up a creative hobby, an outlet for my emotions, something new to invest myself in and be excited about. Maybe finding a new purpose in life, one just for me, will make the hard days easier to digest, and in return, lead me to be at peace with exactly who I am.

Lead me, Lord, in your righteousness because of my enemies - make your way straight before me. (Psalm 5:8)

Day 330...

Last week was troubling enough to make me realize that I still have a ways to go on this journey. I knew early on that this journey would be hard. A year ago, it was all about the food...what to eat, what not to eat, how to avoid unhealthy choices, etc. Now, it's all about thinking...what to think, what not to think, how to avoid negative thoughts, etc. There is a lot of negative chatter going on in my head. Something manifested itself in me long ago determined to keep me down for the rest of my life. It certainly is strong enough to do that, but my God is bigger.

When it comes to the things that stress me out, I have to try extra hard to guide my thoughts to a positive place. When my instinct is to yell, I have to praise God. When my instinct is to complain, I have to spout out my blessings. When my instinct is to put myself down, I have to list my accomplishments. When my instinct is to feel sorry for myself, I have to rejoice in my trials. When my instinct is to put others down, I have to show compassion instead. It has not been easy to retrain my mind, but it is doable. I am making progress. Anything is possible with God.

If I were to ask myself what I do that pleases God and then what I do that needs His reconstruction, I would answer like this: I give but expect in return. I give thanks but complain. I love but judge. I pray but lose faith. I praise but lose sight. I seek but look for the wrong things. I know God is working in my life. It is evident to me every day. I never knew that this journey would be quite so hard. I didn't know that there were so many things about myself that needed reconstruction.

So often when people choose to go on a weight loss journey, they seek only to lose the pounds. In all of the years that I have struggled with my weight, I have always known there was more to it. I knew I would have to dig down into a dark place to get to the root of my hurt. Perhaps, that is what holds others back as well. The goods news is that we don't have to take the journey alone. I honestly don't think I could have done this work without God's guidance and love. No matter how broken I see myself, God sees something perfect and beautiful. I shall continue to press on until I see myself as He does but also until I see those around me as He does as well.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Day 323...

I haven't had the greatest day. I know there are people out there dealing with a lot worse than me, but every once in a while, I have a horrible workday. Not just a bad day, a horrible day. Today, a growing list of mistakes I have made was brought to my attention. I desperately hate to make mistakes. One of my recent posts was about my perfectionism. I am typically harder on myself than other people are. I just take such pride in a good work-ethic and my reputation for attention to detail. In recent months, I have been pushed to my limit, and then pushed some more. At least once a week, I end up in crying fits because I can't seem to find a solution to this grueling work situation that I am in.

After work, I was skimming through my email, and I noticed the weekly church bulletin. I downloaded the PDF and began reading the announcements, many of which I already knew about. However, there were some new details about our holiday dinner coming up. As I read through the different needs for the dinner, I shockingly came across mine and Justin's names listed as the people in charge of decorations. This is the first I have heard of this. Justin knew nothing of said Christmas decorations, and I certainly would have remembered agreeing to such a task. I could not believe that this unexpected announcement came on the same day as my horrible workday.

As I had a bit of time to process, I came to a conclusion. I could be wrong, but I think God was trying to teach me that I can make mistakes, and the world won't end. I don't have to be “perfect”. Mistakes may make me feel terrible, but they happen to everyone. If for whatever reason, the people I work with aren't able to show compassion for my mistakes, especially while under extreme pressure and relying on a company that epitomizes “you get what you pay for”, there is no reason for me to lose sleep over it. That is not something I can change. I know that I do the very best I can with what I am given. I cannot control anything about the outside factors of my workday except for the way I react to stressful situations, and I will continue to do that in as Christian-like a manner as possible.

As for the holiday dinner decorations, I'm really not sure what that was about. I will find out for sure tomorrow if it was just a typo or an oversight on the asking part. I can suppose that God was trying to make me laugh in a “come on, are you kidding me kind of way”. But, I know that He knows me better than I know myself, so He should know that in the kind of mood I was in at that moment, it was absolutely not going to make me laugh. Tomorrow, perhaps...

Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. (Proverbs 28:13)

Day 316...

I have had quite the week of eye-openers. I've been seeing so many stories lately about people fighting for their lives, many of them young people. I just keep thinking that I don't have any problems compared to what they are going through. It's very humbling to think I have been blessed with good health and still find reasons to complain and new things to worry about. The good news is that I can shift my perspective pretty easily, so it doesn't take me long to get my mind right again.

Let's rewind to last Friday, weigh-in day. As I stepped on the scale, I envisioned a number, the number I wanted it to say, the number that would give me bragging rights of the perfectly even 50 pounds I am oh-so-close to losing. I wanted the scale to tell me that I had lost two pounds, just two pounds. As I slowly tilted my head down to look at that bright red number on the scale below me, my heart sank when I noticed that the number was higher than I envisioned, higher even than the last time I stepped on the scale. According to this scale, I had actually gained three pounds since my last weigh-in. I had to channel my girl, Lysa TerKeurst (author of Made to Crave) and tell myself that I had done nothing deserving of this weight gain. I had exercised and eaten well. I had absolutely nothing to feel bad about and no good explanation as to why it happened.

Sure, I was bummed. But, I went on about my day with the same attitude I would have if the scale had shown a smaller number. By the end of the  day I realized that God was trying to tell me something. I slipped. Just like I had in the past, I was making this journey about the number again. I put pressure on myself to hit a certain number. A few weeks ago, I shared with you guys that I made another goal for myself to lose a certain amount of weight by my one-year anniversary. I was putting pressure on myself to do more work than usual during the hardest time of year (the holidays). I was going against my own principles. The funny thing is I've done just fine without the numbers. I have not quit the journey yet. I've lost 48 pounds so far. I've lost more inches than I can count. I've gained bucketloads of wisdom. I've gained a spirit of happiness and a closer relationship with God. So, I am hereby renouncing my goal of losing a certain number of pounds by mid-January. I am going to continue to eat healthy and exercise, but I am also going to treat myself in moderation. Otherwise, I will drive myself crazy with deprivation, which always results in failure for me.

Thanksgiving is quickly approaching, and I'm more aware than ever of my blessings and the wonderful things in my life. I have my moments and lose focus momentarily, but God always reins me back in. I am grateful for His love and his neverending forgiveness. Every single day I fall short of what He expects of me. Yet, He continues to bless me and bring me back down to earth so I can catch my breath before our next adventure.

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song I will praise Him. (Psalm 28:7)

Day 309...

In our ladies Bible class last night we talked about memorial stones, physical and figurative. We discussed the Bible story where Joshua leads the Israelites into the Promised Land. After wandering around in the wilderness for 40 years, the Israelites finally were able to cross the Jordan into the land that the Lord had promised them. With the priests standing in the middle of the river, God parted the waters which allowed the people to cross on dry land. Once they all made it across, Joshua instructed twelve men to collect twelve stones from where the priests stood. Each tribe took a stone back to their camp that would serve from then on out as a memorial to remind the Israelites of all that God had done for them.  

We all have mementos that remind us of important events, those we love who have passed, and special memories that we share with those we love. Sometimes family members pass down special items that remind us of them every time we use them.  When we go on vacations, we bring home souvenirs so we will remember the fun we had. I have a mini Statue of Liberty that reminds me of my visit to NYC every time I look at it. Instantly, the memories come flooding back, not only from my visit specifically to the Statue of Liberty but to my entire week-long adventure that was an absolute dream come true.

I am writing this blog to serve as a memorial stone in itself. One day I am hoping I will have triumphed over many of the issues I've been facing, and I will have this blog to remind me of my journey with God through the troubled times. Every time I sit down to write, I am reminded of my realization that conquering the problems I have needed to fix could never have been accomplished on my own. I knew that I needed God to help me through, and I wanted to document my journey. If I were to print out all of these posts and bind them into a book to sit on my coffee table, it might seem a little more like a physical memorial stone. The most important part of a memorial stone is that the stories that go with the stone are shared, that we pass down the memories and lessons to those we care for. I think I've got that part right. Thank you for reading and being a part of my journey. I truly believe that God is working wonders in my life and that I will have a great story of perseverance and faith to pass down to future generations.

He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the Lord is powerful and so that you might always fear the Lord your God. (Joshua 4:24)

Day 302...

Wow...over 300 hundred days! What an amazing journey this has been...amazing in a faith building way. Most days are not easy, and there are still so many things I don't understand about myself. But, each day I seem to get a little closer to being where I want to be. Just last week, I read an article that really opened my eyes. Have you ever had a weight lifted from your shoulders just by knowing something? Somehow, awareness breathes life back into us. It may be hurtful and difficult to come to terms with, but after the initial shock has worn off, it somehow makes us better. Oprah has always said, "When you know better, you do better."

Last week I read an article entitled 14 Signs Your Perfectionism Has Gotten Out Of Control written by Carolyn Gregoire. Here is the link if you'd like to read it for yourself:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/06/why-perfectionism-is-ruin_n_4212069.html 

It only took three sentences for me to know I had stumbled onto something that might change my life. "If you've ever cried about getting a B+ or ending up in second place, there's a good chance you're a perfectionist. As a culture, we tend to reward perfectionists for their insistence on setting high standards and relentless drive to meet those standards. And perfectionists frequently are high achievers -- but the price they pay for success can be chronic unhappiness and dissatisfaction."

Immediately, sensors started going off in my mind...Hey, that's me!! As I began reading through the 14 signs, I suddenly began to understand a little more about myself. I don't necessarily like to admit that I don't know why I do certain things, but I do find it difficult to explain my deeply hurt feelings, my shameful thoughts towards others, and my inability to just stop allowing things to bother me. Now, I can...sort of. I've always known I am a perfectionist, and I hate making mistakes, but I didn't realize that it was plaguing me. I didn't know that my desire to do everything perfectly was keeping me from trying new things, allowing friends to be "good enough", being content in the moment, and most importantly...being a happy person! Not every sign resonated with me, but most of them certainly did.

I've always been eager to please. I'm a big procrastinator. I'm highly critical of others. I go big or go home. I know there's no use crying over spilt milk, but I do anyway. I take everything personally. I get really defensive when criticized. I'm never quite "there yet". To a degree, I take pleasure in other people's failures. I get secretly nostalgic for my school days. I have a guilty soul...wait, what? It's true...I didn't know I was all of these things until I stopped to think about it. According to the article, I would be considered an "other-oriented perfectionist", meaning I am motivated by the desire for social approval. Bingo! Right there, I got it.

Naturally, a little girl with a weight problem would develop a need for social approval. The mentality was...If I don't look like everyone else, then I should achieve more to make up for that shortcoming. If I fail at an achievement, I will eat more food to make myself feel better...And, thus the vicious cycle of food dependence began and lasted for years and years. And, now, here I am. No wonder I have no time to "be still and know". All that perfection stuff is in my head fighting for my attention. But, I am grateful for this awakening, and I know this is a huge step forward. Having a name to encapsulate all of these negative, unwanted traits tells me that I can fix it. Already, I can recognize when the perfectionist is coming out.

I'm so grateful God led me to this article. It answered so many questions for me. It's another huge step in the right direction. It wasn't easy to read, and most certainly wasn't easy to digest. But, God sends us what we need when we are ready for it. And, I have been more than ready to face this. I'm almost excited about it. I find great peace in knowing that I don't have to be this person anymore. Now starts the part of the journey that allows me to cut myself some slack, find a little peace within, and let the stress roll off my back. Now that I know better, I can do better.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. (Psalm 139:14)

Day 295

I'm back on the exercise wagon...woohoo. It's nice to be back on the downward slope (in a good way). After a couple weeks of sickness and a couple of weekends traveling and one of the most fattening holidays of the year, I am finally back to it in full force. I'm working on shifting my focus on a few other areas of my life to find a little more peaceful calm. I can't fix everything all at one time, and my lifestyle change is my most important journey. So, I have to make it number one again.

I am the type of person that wants everything to be perfect. The problem is that when my focus is on perfection, I get overwhelmed. I lose sight of what's important. So, here I am again, moving back to square one to refocus my attention. The nice thing is though that I haven't sabotaged myself yet, which shows real growth on my part. Maintaining weight loss and having the ability to know when it is time to stop treating yourself is a huge part of the journey. I'm glad that I've been able to do that several times this past year. God has sent me some real tests, and it is only with Him by my side that I have been able to pass those tests.

As I look to the months ahead where I've set another small goal for myself, I get a little nervous that I won't be able to accomplish it. It's harder to lose weight now, as I've been cutting back for a while now. Plus there are all of the Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners to look forward to, as well as all of the special treats along the way and lots of traveling to visit all of the family. I may just have to step up the exercise for a little while, instead of cutting back the calories. But, if I stay on the wagon like I plan to, January 2014 will be the first time in my life that I haven't treated the beginning of the year as a pressure to start losing weight (again!). It will be a time to just keep on keeping on and to look forward to my one year anniversary of operation "It's Time". Now that's something to look forward to!

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)

Day 288...

God provides. That is what I have learned this week. He provides the essentials (which we shouldn't take for granted), but He also provides guidance, opportunity, and peace of mind. He doesn't always provide as quickly as we would like or in the way that we want, but God will always provide in the best way, His way. I may never understand why I would possibly think that I have all of the answers. Leaning on God is so much easier than trying to figure it all out. God gives me so much more than I deserve. The least I can do is trust Him.

Growth is a great thing. When you make it to a place where you can see true changes within yourself, it is an amazing feeling of accomplishment. The most important thing to do at that point is to give thanks. I couldn't be more grateful that I have God by my side each and every day. He's been with me when I wanted to reach for another piece of candy. He's been there when I wanted to lash out in frustration. He's been there when I felt like I had no one to talk to. He's been there when I needed to be stronger than I thought I had strength for. He's been there when I didn't think I could possibly roll out of bed and exercise. He's been there when others have been insensitive and caused me pain. He's been there when I have been my own worst enemy. He's always there. We just have to be willing to receive, really receive Him and make Him a permanent part of our lives. 

Everything is not going just like I would like right now, but I have faith that God is helping me grow while preparing me for something wonderful. My job is very stressful, and I don't make the amount of money I should. I am an excellent employee, and I always do whatever is asked of me. I have a long list of reasons for why I think I deserve better, but if God isn't bringing me an obvious resolution, there is really not a lot I can do about it. I pray...a lot! I have recently added a sticky note to my computer to remind me to say a prayer every morning before I start my work day. Generally, that prayer is specifically about work and my desire to deal with whatever comes my way in a Godly way. Some days I fall short but most days, I do think before I take action.

The most important thing I should remember right now is that God is in control and He knows my future. I would never want to settle for less than what He wants to give me. What if my simple desire is just the tip of the iceberg of what He wants me to have? Who am I to stand in the way of God's blessings for even me? A few days ago, I came across a quote on facebook. It didn't have a name with it, but I found it to be very encouraging..."If a problem has brought you to prayer, then it has served its purpose." There is nothing more important than our relationship with God. Sometimes He allows us to go through difficult times so that we will turn to Him. I, personally, wouldn't want it any other way. My only real job in this life is to prepare to go to Heaven, and I can't do that if I don't have a meaningful relationship with God.

Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! (Luke 12:24)

Day 281...

Well, the “allergies” the last couple of weeks were really strep throat. Yikes… Everything is looking up now since the addition of antibiotics. When you are as busy as I am, a bout with strep throat throws off your routine completely and sets you back. I’m working on getting caught up on my commitments and getting back into my routine. I’m just taking it one day at a time. I plan to be back to my regular exercise routine next week. Let’s keep our fingers crossed.

This past weekend, I had Justin bring down a box of old clothes from the attic. I kept some of my smaller clothes from the time I lost weight almost ten years ago. I guess I hung on to those clothes with the hopes that I would get back into them fairly quickly. Really, the only purpose they served was as a reminder that I had failed once again. I’ve lost and gained weight my entire life. If there was a career to be made out of that, I would probably do very well. I probably shouldn’t have kept those clothes. No one needs to beat themselves up with a constant reminder of their weaknesses. At least I packed the clothes away rather than leaving them where they were visible.

Regardless, I sifted through the clothes, hopeful that a pair of the jeans might fit. Much to my surprise, I could easily slide on one of the pairs. Not everything in the box fit, and I have another box of even smaller clothes. But, to fit into something I haven’t worn in eight years is quite the accomplishment. The further along I get on my journey, the harder it is to lose weight, to stay focused, and to see continued results. It’s exciting to watch my waistline continue to slim, especially during such a stressful time in life.

The best part about my week though was the visit to the clinic for my strep meds. When the doctor took my blood pressure and she read back a normal reading, I was quite happy. I’ve been on high blood pressure medication before, and with diet and exercise, was able to come off of it. It wasn’t too long after that, that my readings were starting to get high again, as my lifestyle reverted back to one of bad habits. One of the reasons I started this journey was to work on my health. No one wants to be on medication, especially if there is something you can do to avoid it.

All in all, the journey is still going well. Since I’ve been in a bit of a slump lately, I decided to make a new goal. I hope to lose another 14 pounds by mid-January (my one year mark). That will round “my number” out to an even 60. This slow-steady journey is what everyone should strive to do. It gives you time to make mistakes, learn about yourself, and fix the real problems behind the weight gain. I’m looking forward to my anniversary because I plan to really stop and reflect on what a life-changing year I have experienced.

You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. (1 John 4:4)

Day 274...

I don’t think I have anything all that inspiring to say this week. I’ve been participating in my bi-annual bout with allergies for the last several days. I’ve been praying to God for sleep in lieu of nightly coughing binges and working ten hour days instead of exercising…No, I haven’t gotten back to exercising yet. I’m just trying to survive right now. I’m still eating right, but my current work schedule and this sickness are not allowing me to get back to the exercise just yet. I’m not giving up…just waiting for the smoke to clear.

I’ve told people before that I think sometimes God “makes” us take a break. He might be doing that for me with these allergies right now. I’ve stepped away from extra commitments, chores, and stressors for a few days. It feels nice to give yourself a “free pass” to just sit on the couch and watch tv. Usually, my day looks like…work all day, cook dinner, do laundry, Bible lesson, go to bed. There’s not a lot of time left to relax. So, just until I feel better, I am giving myself permission to rest. So, I’ll keep this post short and jump right on it.

Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers. (3 John 1:2) 

Day 267...

I haven’t formally exercised in a couple of weeks. I’ve had to start work early several days in the last couple of weeks, which makes it difficult to get up even earlier and exercise. I’ve also had some busy days in general. Justin and I were at an outdoor music festival this weekend, so I got plenty of exercise from mile-and-a-half walks twice a day and standing for unlimited hours every day to watch the musicians play. That helps me feel good since it reminds me of my new active lifestyle. I’m hoping I can muster up the energy to get up tomorrow morning and squeeze my exercise in.

The great thing about the place I’m in now is that I don’t beat myself up anymore when life happens. In the past, I would think of myself as weak when I didn’t have the “willpower” to get my workout in. The only thing I really need to concern myself with now is that I don’t let too much time pass before I get back to it. It is true that I won’t lose much weight if I don’t exercise, but eating healthy even if I can’t exercise ensures I maintain my weight loss.

I’ve completely given up the “all or nothing” mentality that has set me back in the past. Some days I don’t exercise. Some days I don’t eat very healthy. Some days I don’t drink much water. But, there are other days when I get it all just right. I don’t dwell on any of it. I just do the best I can. I recognize that I am no longer dependent on food, and the progress that I have made reminds me that I don’t want to go back to where I’ve been. I do have to keep that in the back of my mind and stay focused so I don’t lose sight of my goal. It’s so easy to slide back into old ways, especially when life gets super stressful. With this in mind, I try to keep my stress level down and focus on God’s promises. Without His help, I never would have made it this far. He truly is an awesome God.

You, God, are awesome in your sanctuary; the God of Israel gives power and strength to His people. Praise be to God! (Psalm 68:35)

Day 260...

Life is hard, so I eat food. The most difficult part of this journey is learning to cope with my feelings rather than eating them. Life doesn’t work out the way you plan. Some days are terrible and life changing. But, I’ve begun to realize that I will never ever be able to control those outside factors. I will never be able to predict the future or how things will work out. But, I can choose to live healthy and make good choices when it comes to the foods I eat, the amount I eat, and being active.

Recently, I noticed that diet and exercise are no longer in the forefront of my mind. Somewhere along the way I made the transition to a healthy lifestyle. I observed, I imitated, and now I’m walking. My choices are second nature to me now. This doesn’t mean my work is done. It just means that I’ve turned over a new leaf and have made much more progress on this journey than I’ve ever made in any of my weight-loss attempts in the past.

The last several months I’ve been praying for some changes, a few new directions. I’ve been asking God to guide me and bring me peace. Nothing has really been working out or moving forward, causing a lot of frustration and anxiety. It’s hard when what you want isn’t happening the way you always hoped it would. Justin and I have worked for everything we have, keeping good heads on our shoulders and allowing God the time to work out whatever it is He has in store for us. He’s led us safely through each obstacle we’ve faced together and brought us out better than ever. That doesn’t mean we’ve always been patient about things, but we have tried to keep our eyes open.

Strong faith doesn’t mean you don’t face hardships. It just means that you realize you don’t have to worry. God tells us not to worry about tomorrow because today has enough worries of its own. Yesterday, Justin got the news that he is going to lose his job. His company is laying off 900 employees within the next six months, and he will be one of those people. He is our bread-winner. We were shaken for a minute, but it didn’t take long for us to see that God has put us in a great place to face this trial. I have a job. He will have severance pay. We have a bit of money saved up that we were hoping to use on a down payment for a house, but we haven’t been able to find the right place. Coincidence? I doubt it.

Only time will tell how this new adventure will play out. I choose to stay away from food and put my trust in the Lord. Justin has an amazing attitude about the whole thing, staying positive and looking forward to new possibilities. He’s a great example for me, especially when my tendency is to see the negative side of things. God never gives you more than you can handle, but sometimes it seems like he is stacking your plate just about as full as possible. Those are the times I choose to believe He is making me stronger and preparing me for something wonderful. I pray that I use this period of unknowns in my life to lean more on the Lord and allow myself to be the clay that He (as the potter) needs for His work to be something beautiful.

Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand. (Isaiah 64:8)

Day 253...

Okay, so I took a summer off…All I can say is I’ve been busy. I’ve also been troubled, torn, broken, and bruised. I feel like I’m just now “coming of age” at the ripe ‘ol age of 31. I have been struggling with some important decisions in my life, enduring a few let-downs, and have been adding more to my spiritual plate in an attempt to become the Christian God wants me to be. The baby shower I talked about in my last blog post was thrown on June 1^st. It was wonderful and magical and everything I wanted it to be. I even surprised myself a bit. But, what I hadn’t prepared for was the fact that I was going to have to throw that baby shower less than 24 hours after the passing of my grandmother. I can’t tell you exactly what that does to you because I haven’t quite figured it out myself, but it changed me, changed my perspective, changed my attitude, changed my heart.

I had been stressing the week leading up to the baby shower…so many things left to do. By the morning of May 31^st, I had 95% of the preparation done. I began my half day of work, and it wasn’t long before I got the phone call that no one wants to get. My grandmother had been in the hospital for a month battling an illness that the doctors just couldn’t figure out. My mother had been by her side the whole time, and I was worried about them both. My mom called to let me know that my grandma’s organs were shutting down and the doctors couldn’t do anything else for her. This was it…she was going to leave this world, and I would never hug, laugh with or have another conversation with my Nannie ever again. In that moment, nothing else mattered, but very quickly thereafter, I knew that I was about to face the biggest emotional challenge of my life. My last living grandparent was soon going to pass from this life, and I was powerless. So, I focused on what I could control. I finished up my work, and I got on the road, as was already planned for the baby shower. I was half way to my destination when I got the message that really shook me. “It won’t be long now.” My mind was only on one thing, getting to my grandma and to my mom before it was too late.

By the grace of God, I made it to the hospital 15 minutes before my grandma passed. I will always believe that she was waiting for me. We had a special relationship, me and my Nannie. I adored her and looked up to her so much. I thank God we had so many wonderful memories together because that is all that’s left when someone leaves this life. The next best thing to my mother was gone, and I had to be strong for my mother now. She had been strong for my grandma for a very long time, so she gave me a great example. My next step was to keep it together to make it through my next task, the baby shower. As the baby shower came and I watched the last gift my grandmother would ever give go to my best friend, I couldn’t help but be sad that she won’t be here for my future baby showers or more importantly, to see my children grow up.

I’ve been a little broken ever since. A dark cloud just lingers over you as you try to piece your days together with the loss of someone that meant so much to you. Four months later, it still stings. I analyze my life and ask myself if I’m making the best of it, living it to the fullest. As I ask for God’s help in my life decisions, I find that His answers are not clear. Sometimes we just have to keep on keeping on until He shows us the way. That’s where I’m at now. I just keep my knees bent, my eyes open, and my heart guarded. A loss in life is a vulnerable time when reverting back to old habits and eating for comfort sounds really good. I did give myself a break for a little while. I mean if there was ever a time in life to eat a plate of three different kinds of cake, I suppose this was it. I did find that my shrunken stomach would become full rather quickly, and it was hard for me to consume as much as I wanted. I quickly jumped back on the wagon and fought temptation all summer long with visits, birthdays, vacations, and every reason in between to splurge. I maintained my weight loss all summer and just lost my 45^th pound last week. This is exactly why it’s so important to make a lifestyle change…because when life gets unbearable, you can still maintain control. Now that I’ve lived through it, I can testify to it. God is faithful every day!

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

Day 162...

I took a seven week hiatus from the blog. I didn't exactly know I was going to do it until life just made it necessary. The first thing that pulled me away was my best friend's baby shower. As the best friend, I have been looking forward to throwing this baby shower for a very long time. My best friend and I have been friends since we were 15 years old. There was no way I could let her down and throw a less-than-epic shower. So, I've been planning this thing since I found out she had a baby on the way at Christmas last year. It took a great deal of time for all of my ideas to come together and for my vision to appear. To make this jungle safari baby shower happen, I had to give something up, especially since I was making the vast majority of the decorations.

The baby shower preparation took a great deal of my time and energy for the entire month of May. The fact that I was able to deal with the stress and continue to lose weight was quite an accomplishment for me. By the end of May, I had lost a total of 39 pounds. Being able to handle stressful situations without turning to food is my biggest struggle. Somehow, over the passing months, God hasn't taken away that struggle but has equipped me to deal with it. That is something that can only come from the grace of God. As the days passed and the to-do's were checked off of my list one-by-one, I began to look forward to the day ahead. Mostly, I was just looking forward to the look on my friend's face when she walked into the room.

One of my greatest joys is to see someone smile as a result of something I've done. I wonder if God feels the same way. I also wonder if He's hurt when we don't see the beauty in what He's created for us. I think as we get busy in our lives, it is often so difficult to see the forest for the trees. As I got bogged down with tissue paper and animal crackers after long days of work, I tried to remember the reason I was pasting and counting. I was doing a tremendous favor for my friend, and nothing could compare to the joy I had knowing I was that special friend who had the privilege of throwing a party to celebrate her beautiful boy that had been wanted and prayed for for so long. God had answered our prayers, and I was the one that got to share it with her.

God's blessings are all around us. Every day, we must make the choice to see them and to appreciate them. I'm not the world's greatest at it myself, but I try harder and harder every day to do just that. Sometimes, all it takes is a short break from the worries of this world to put everything back in perspective. Life is short, and we only get one chance to get it right. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I fail. But, the most important thing is that I never give up and never stop trying to do what is right.
  
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. (James 1:17)

Day 113...

I can't control how other people treat me. I can't control if they are nice or mean, courteous or rude, thoughtful or selfish, etc. What I can control, is how I respond to those people. Even when they've been mean to me, I can respond with a kind word. When they've been thoughtful and shared uplifting words with me, I can follow that up with a hug. It's much easier said than done when people don't have patience with my flaws to react in a courteous way. But, no matter what my mind tells me, God tells me to respond like Jesus would. I have to choose whether to follow His will or not.

I've been let down a lot in my life, and I'm working to come to terms with that. Most days I don't have a hard time looking past the not-so-kind words of others because I know that I am not perfect either. But, there are days when I'm tired, when I've had all I can take, and I have a hard time letting things go. I wonder why, just this once, it can't be about me. Why can't my good deeds be seen and acknowledged? Why can't the thoughtfulness in my heart shine through just a bit more than everything else in the world? But, the truth is, it's not about me...never has been, never will be. If I am walking this earth doing good deeds, waiting for others to put me on a pedestal, I am not doing good deeds for the right reasons.

God gave me life on this earth, and I owe everything I have to Him. I owe Him my time, my love, my faithfulness, and my soul. I made a decision a long time ago to follow the Lord, but only now am I realizing what that really means and how small I am in the vastness of this world He created. I am nothing without Him, and I must remember that every day of my life. With every morsel of food I put in my mouth, with every step of exercise, with every Bible lesson studied, with every prayer I pray, in every single thing I do, I must remember that I have not been promised anything, and God decides what my future holds. When I take a moment to pause and look at the big picture, there is no doubt in my mind that I should react with every wonderful quality of Jesus no matter what struggle has been set before me.

He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked. (1 John 2:6)

Day 106...

Sometimes life hands me lemons. I'm not the type to take them and quickly begin making lemonade. I might eventually make lemonade out of them but not before I second-guess myself, the situation, God's intentions, etc., etc. Thoughts crowd my mind and keep me from doing what I truly want to do...whip up a yummy jug of lemonade immediately! What did I do to bring about these lemons? What is God trying to teach me with these lemons? When will I get over the fact that I have been handed lemons?

This month has been full of lemons! Just as I was typing this very blog post and coming quite near the end of it, it somehow miraculously deleted itself and was gone before my very eyes. So, now I set off to try retyping the thoughts that were so eloquently written down just moments ago. I probably would be able to think more clearly if this lemony situation I just tried to explain to my husband  wasn't followed by, "That sucks. I'm going to bed." After streams of tears flowed due to his inherent lack of sympathy, I decided to dust myself off, and try this again...

Just last week, I discussed how I had hit a plateau and had been experiencing it for several weeks. Nothing but God could have helped me lose three pounds after eating more and exercising less over a four day period. When I stepped on the scale last Friday, I was shocked and ecstatic to see I had hit the 30 pound mark! I am still a little leery as my next weigh-in approaches. I know that the number is not what is important, but I also know myself. And, if I don't keep on top of things, I will quit because the plateau has always been my finish line. I'm never done at this point, but it's where I know I will stop. So, I just have to make sure I don't let that happen...BECAUSE this time is different!

I never know when my next batch of lemons is going to come, but I know that I will always have them. It's a fact of life. But, what truly matters is what I do with those lemons, and I will always, always strive to do what I believe God wants me to do with them. God is my constant. Even when the best hubby in the world is lacking sympathy for my latest batch of lemons, I know God is right beside me, maybe even laughing at me because I am still trying to figure out why!

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. (James 1:12)