Day 106...

Sometimes life hands me lemons. I'm not the type to take them and quickly begin making lemonade. I might eventually make lemonade out of them but not before I second-guess myself, the situation, God's intentions, etc., etc. Thoughts crowd my mind and keep me from doing what I truly want to do...whip up a yummy jug of lemonade immediately! What did I do to bring about these lemons? What is God trying to teach me with these lemons? When will I get over the fact that I have been handed lemons?

This month has been full of lemons! Just as I was typing this very blog post and coming quite near the end of it, it somehow miraculously deleted itself and was gone before my very eyes. So, now I set off to try retyping the thoughts that were so eloquently written down just moments ago. I probably would be able to think more clearly if this lemony situation I just tried to explain to my husband  wasn't followed by, "That sucks. I'm going to bed." After streams of tears flowed due to his inherent lack of sympathy, I decided to dust myself off, and try this again...

Just last week, I discussed how I had hit a plateau and had been experiencing it for several weeks. Nothing but God could have helped me lose three pounds after eating more and exercising less over a four day period. When I stepped on the scale last Friday, I was shocked and ecstatic to see I had hit the 30 pound mark! I am still a little leery as my next weigh-in approaches. I know that the number is not what is important, but I also know myself. And, if I don't keep on top of things, I will quit because the plateau has always been my finish line. I'm never done at this point, but it's where I know I will stop. So, I just have to make sure I don't let that happen...BECAUSE this time is different!

I never know when my next batch of lemons is going to come, but I know that I will always have them. It's a fact of life. But, what truly matters is what I do with those lemons, and I will always, always strive to do what I believe God wants me to do with them. God is my constant. Even when the best hubby in the world is lacking sympathy for my latest batch of lemons, I know God is right beside me, maybe even laughing at me because I am still trying to figure out why!

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. (James 1:12)

Day 99...

According to Merriam-Webster, a plateau is a relatively stable level, period, or condition. I am bummed to say, I have a reached a plateau with my weight-loss. The scale has been sitting at the same number for three weeks now. I've been exercising just as much and eating just as healthy as before, but my body is out-smarting me. The research says my body thinks I am starving. Boo!

So, I read up on weight-loss plateaus and decided on a couple of tips that might work for me. Generally, our bodies get used to the same 'ol, same 'ol and stop working how we want them to. My body is content with the way things are, but I'm not. So, instead of taking my usual one day break from exercise this past weekend, I took four days off. And, instead of consuming my usual 1,200 calories per day, I upped it to about 2,000 calories for those four days. I've heard that sometimes a little jolt can put you back on track. Today, I'm back on track with my usual calories, and I'm back to exercising, but I pulled out a couple of workouts I haven't done in a few years to see if moving different muscles might do the trick. We shall see.

I have to say, I was quite apprehensive about letting myself go off track. But, I made a deal with myself, remembered that I don't want to let God down, and stayed focused on why I was making the choices I was making. I also had to tell myself that this short-lived change of habits was not going to make me gain back 27 pounds and would not cause me to lose sight of my goal...unless I let it. I know my body pretty well, and I knew this plateau was coming. The 30 pound mark is about all  my body has ever been willing to let go of at one time. I've lost 30 pounds about five or six different times. I usually fall off the wagon at this point and think if all of this work and dedication is not doing me any good, why bother? It really hasn't been all that hard to convince myself in the past either.

But, this time is different. I've asked for God's help, and He will see me through everything, even this plateau. When Friday morning weigh-in comes, I will remind myself that I am still a beautiful child of God no matter what number is on that scale. I will tell myself that I am not defined by whatever number is on that scale, even if it's a lower one than I've seen in the last three weeks. I'm looking forward to getting back on the losing end of things, but in the meantime, I welcome any and all lessons God may be using to make me a better and stronger person.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:9)

Day 92...

I've added a new book to my arsenal. It is called "Unglued" and is written by Lysa TerKeurst. She is the same author who wrote "Made to Crave". She's an excellent writer. I'd love to write inspiring books just like her one day. I know that I could reach people and touch them with my words. It's overwhelming to think about writing a book, thinking of all the work that goes into it, but it's also overwhelming in another sense, thinking of all of the lives I could change. I would love to help people, to know that I made a mark on the world, that my service to God didn't go unnoticed.

I read a passage from "Unglued" last night that I've been needing to hear. It goes like this..."I acknowledge that I can control only myself. I can't control how another person acts or reacts. Therefore, I shift my focus from trying to fix the other person and the situation to allowing God to reveal some tender truths to me...My job isn't to fix the difficult people in my life or enable them to continue disrespectful or abusive behaviors. My job is to be obedient to God in the way I act and respond to those people." It's as if I finally have permission to feel what I feel, that it's okay to feel let down by other people around me. It's okay to be disappointed and hurt by others, but I must remember that I can't control those people or change them for the better. BUT, I can change me and my perspective.

Last night at our ladies Bible study, I received what I thought to be an amazing compliment. We have a workbook that we do lessons in individually, and then we come together and discuss our responses and get insight from one another. I had just shared my thoughts about one of the points in our lesson, and one of my friends looked at me with a smile on her face and said, "You're really good...at changing your perspective." At first it caught me off-guard, and I really had to think about what that meant. There's nothing I love more than comforting someone and showing them that they matter to me. I think that requires changing my perspective, being able to see a situation through their eyes, to walk in their shoes. All I've ever wanted to be in this life is someone that other people can count on, and if I'm really good at changing my perspective, that must mean that I'm doing what I desire.

Changing my perspective is something I've been working really hard on when it comes to stressful and annoying situations as well. It's so much easier to keep a clear conscience when I react to those situations in a Godly manner. It's amazing to me how God has just jumped right in where I left room for Him to help me with this flaw I have. It's very encouraging to know that He will help me through anything if only I let Him. Everything is suddenly more enjoyable and exciting. Even when the days are long and my tiredness keeps me from feeling my cheeriest, I can switch my perspective to see the blessings that I have in my life, to focus on the love of my wonderful husband, and his only desire for me...just for me to be happy.

I pray that those of you who might be reading are encouraged by my words, even if it's only to realize that you are not alone. Thank you for supporting me and loving me...even when I'm at my worst. I think God might lead me to write a book one day, but it will only be when the time is right, when I've got a complete story to tell, the kind with a rough beginning, struggles in the middle, and a happy ending!

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4:16)

Day 85...

I'm beginning to realize how lonely this journey can be. Don't get me wrong...I have tons of encouraging people in my life that are supporting me every step of the way and every chance that they get. I couldn't be more grateful. That encouragement carries me a very long way. But, they can't be with me every minute of every day. It would be nice to have my own little group of cheerleaders with pom-poms in tow cheering me on beside my desk as I work. Give me an E! Give me an R! You get the drift... Unfortunately, that's just not feasible.

I've never met a single person that could fully understand my journey. Maybe they struggle with their weight but only have 20 pounds to lose. Maybe they have been overweight their entire life but don't have a problem with their poor attitude about it. Maybe they are a strong Christian but don't have a weight issue. Maybe they flip out during stressful situations but don't see anything wrong with that. I have yet to meet anyone that has struggled with their weight their entire life, needs to lose an entire person worth of weight, has a super strong relationship with God, has a problem with stressful situations, and passionately desires happiness alongside a healthy lifestyle change. Perhaps I can't find this person because God doesn't want me to. If I were to find this person here on earth, I might lose sight of the fact that God is the only one that truly understands. He understands my heart, and as a human, there is no way I could find the words to tell another person what my heart is feeling. The more alone I feel in this world, the more I cling to God.

The loneliest time is when I am tucked away at home, away from the world, and alone with my thoughts. As I work to convince myself that "I can do it" and "things will get better" and "this is not my fault" and "I'm worthy of love no matter what size my body is" and "be proud, you're doing so well" and "I love you" and "you're so much closer to God now", there are always a few people that don't realize how tough this storm is that I've been drudging through. My shoes are not their size, and just when I think I'm making real progress, I have to fight hurtful words that aren't spoken out of love and understanding but from a different darker place. It's painful to know that my actions could hurt someone, but it's even more painful to be unfairly attacked.  Even in the darkest of times, God slowly carries me back to shore and shows me that I am indeed making real progress, and all I have to do is breathe because once again, He's saved me from drowning.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3)