Day 386...

I have learned that if I want to keep growing, I have to make choices that are good for me. As I get deeper into this journey, I find that I often put my own needs on the backburner for the sake of others. That is not necessarily a bad thing, but right now, focusing on myself is the most important thing. Once I have discovered a little bit more about myself, I may find I can flip the switch. However, I have found that writing this blog is taking more from me than I am getting in return. So, I have decided that this will be my last blog post.

I wanted this blog-writing thing to go a little differently. I had hoped that I would find that many other people had the same problems as me and that I would be able to start a dialogue between us. Unfortunately, that hasn't been the case. Naturally, my mother has been my biggest fan and commented on everything I've had to say via facebook, but I'm a big girl now, and I have to look beyond what she thinks. Although, I still value and appreciate her comments very much.

There are many things I can't divulge on the web, and I feel it would be more beneficial to me to just go old-school and continue writing in my own private journal where I can be more truthful with myself. Bottom line, I'm putting myself out there, and it's hard. Being that I am still fragile, having little to no feedback at times is detrimental to my growth. The devil can use even something good to bring me down if I let him, and I refuse to do that.

I have always wanted to be an encouragement to others and to share my experiences in hopes that someone else might not feel alone. I will continue to do that out in the world and will always be available should anyone want to talk or need advice. I plan to use my extra time to expand my prayer time with the Lord and to develop my chosen hobby of block-printing. I'm in the early stages of hand-carving my own stamps. My plan is to design stamps, carve them, print them on fabrics, and then sew something awesome out of those fabrics. My ideal goal is to start a real, thriving business doing that. You can get an idea of what I'm going for here: http://melongings.com/design-story/ Only time will tell. Either way it goes, I'm excited about having something fun to do on the side. As my Mama always tells me, “Bye. I love you. Call me if you need me.”

But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

Day 379...

I'm tired, and I'm...(what?) only about a third through my projected life-span. Being a Christian is hard. It's a lot of work. It's being a servant. God calls us to put on Christ as we go about our days on this earth. We are to be immitators of Christ. Let me remind you that Christ was sinless and everything wonderful and good. How in the world can I ever live up to that example? I can't. I'm not worthy, but God tells me I have to try. If I want to get into Heaven, I have to try with everything I have every day of my life.

We all have good traits that we come by naturally. Some of us were even brought up with a great set of morals and values. So, it is possible that a lot of Jesus' attributes come easily to us and aren't so hard. However, I know every one of us has personality flaws that we wish we could change. I, for instance, wish it was easy for me to ignore unsettling things and not allow them to get under my skin. I think Jesus was pretty good at that. At least, he didn't react to his anger in a sinful way. I feel I could do better with that. But, I think I am a great encourager. I think it comes naturally for me to see where someone might need a kind word and feel compelled to speak it to them. So, I try to remember that when I'm not doing so well with the unpleasant anger thing.

It's so encouraging to look back and notice the progress that I've made in my walk with God. Some things that were difficult or far from my mind come more naturally to me now. I pray more often just because I know that I need help with everything. I spend more time in the Word, looking for encouragement at every turn. It is easier for me to replace negative thoughts with positive ones, as I have learned that when I tell myself bad things, I think bad things. I make healthier choices regarding food, portions, and exercise without a struggle, since I have replaced so many bad habits with good ones. Practice makes perfect.

Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28)

Day 372...

It's a new year, so it's time to turn over a new leaf. I decided last week that I needed a more strenuous workout. It was time to graduate to something new and better. I've been hosting a “Zumba World Party” in my living room every morning, and I am loving it! Sometimes a change in scenery can change your perspective.

Speaking of perspective, I've been needing a change in mine. It's my instinct to take the hopeless romantic approach to most things. I've always been a dreamer, and I love this about myself. However, I'm afraid that this has been hindering my forward progress. Recently, I've read some articles that have changed my point of view on my relationship with God. There are three false statements that I have been using for most of my life that I have decided to stop using. It was easier to think romantically about my relationship with God than to take it for face-value.

“God won't give me more than I can handle.” Sure He will. He did it for me in 2013. Just when I thought I couldn't deal with one more obstacle, He gave me another one. But, He did it so that I would turn to Him and seek His guidance, strength and comfort to make it through. I can see that now that the dust has started to settle. I have never been closer to the Lord or more immersed in his Word than I am now.

“God will always do what's best for me.” Nope, He's not necessarily gonna do that either. He will do what is best for the purpose of furthering His kingdom. That might mean that I have to deal with a nasty physical situation. God sees what it will take to set our eyes to desire eternity in Heaven with Him and might do that for us instead, even when it feels painful, unfair, and lonely. Now that I understand this, it's a bit easier to swallow when I think maybe He's not changing my circumstances because someone else needs me to be right where I am. God uses His people to lead others to Him as well.

“God has a wonderful plan for me.” I desperately want this one to be true, but it might not be. God gives us plenty of examples in the Bible of the very opposite of this. I think it is possible that some people do live wonderfully pleasant lives. But, often that has to do with the fact that they have made a point to be content with everything and anything God has in store for them. I am trying to get there.

When I get stuck in a rut, it helps to change the scenery. I love to get out and go to the woods or the beach and just enjoy nature. It helps me feel calm, uplifted, and renewed. I'm beginning to notice that when I change the way I see the different parts of my life, a similar feeling comes over me. Letting God lead is always what is best for me. It makes so many things so much simpler.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3: 5-6)

Day 365...

Well, the day is here! One year ago I began a rather uncertain journey. I wasn't sure how it would turn out. Part of me expected failure, but I proved myself wrong. I shared this little blip on facebook yesterday...A year ago today, I started a journey that I wasn't quite so confident about. 2013 was the most difficult year of my life for many reasons, but I am so proud to say that my journey was a successful one. I became awakened to a lot of roadblocks that have held me back, learned to love who I am and embrace that, and realized that I am much stronger than I have ever given myself credit for. I have become much closer to the Lord this year, have developed a greater sense of happiness in my life, and have developed a natural relationship with food. I lost 48 pounds and 38 inches in 2013, and replaced it with a whole lot of good stuff! I pray I can keep it up in 2014! Thank you all so much for your support and prayers during this journey! It has meant the world to me!

Christmas 2012

Christmas 2013

This journey is not over. I still have more to learn and more weight to lose. But, it's funny how this pathway to self discovery has taken so many turns in the last year. Starting out, I thought it was all about eating less and exercising more, but that is just one small part of the journey I am on. Through all of the twists and turns, I have had to fight the temptation to eat as a way of dealing with all of those situations and emotions. Sometimes I was able to overcome it, sometimes not, but I don't dismiss those baby steps anymore. Baby steps are still steps that get you closer to where you want to go. And, eventually, if you are patient they will get you where you need to be.

In 2013, I learned that...

Those you love will leave this world and leave a hole in your heart.
Friends are not always what they appear to be.
People you care about will mistreat you.
People who don't care about you will mistreat you even worse.
God takes His sweet time in preparing our next opportunity.
If you want them to be, your eyes can be opened to your reality. Some of it ain't pretty, though.
Every day is a struggle. One day, I have it all figured out; the next I have no idea what is going on.
Time changes people. Pay attention.
I love NYC!
Food should be enjoyed slowly, in small quantities.
Exercise is still not my favorite.
I am blessed beyond measure. On the days I am feeling sorry for myself, I should start counting.
I need to make time for me. That means I might have to feel left out or let others down.
The “unhappy voices” get quieter when I choose to think happy thoughts.
If you could end a drought with tears, I've got Texas covered.
Life is hard. Many don't have the courage to share their struggles, but I refuse to be one of them.

In 2014, I want to keep working on shaping myself into a better person, physically and mentally. But, I want to add one specific challenge this year. I want to devote more time to prayer. There is nothing in this life more important than my relationship with God, and I want to build on that.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. (Romans 12:12)

Day 358...

I have used the last couple of weeks to celebrate Christmas but also to give myself a break from all of the pressure that I have been experiencing lately. That is a new direction I plan to explore in this upcoming year. Somehow, somewhere along the way, I decided that I have to give more of myself than there is to give. I try to do everything my husband wants to do, everything my friends want to do, everything my work wants me to do, everything my church wants to do. Then, I realize that I don't have time to do what I want to do. Before long, I am burnt out and just long for a free Saturday of rest and movies. Don't get me wrong...I feel strongly that this life is not about me. It is about God and His will for my life and doing what He wants me to do. But, if I have time to do all of the things that everyone else wants me to do, surely I can find some time for me.

I have come a long way in this last year, but I feel like I have just scraped the surface with all of the things I want to work on and do better with. But, I feel like it is time to focus on life and live it, rather than making every day about being someone different than I am. I have to find a healthy balance of progress and happiness. I have found that trying so hard to be happy also makes me unhappy. I feel like I am trying so desperately to fit into my world, and I am finding that that is quite uncomfortable, and it is a lot of work! I am me, and me is great, and me is like no one else, and that is great, too! If only it were easy to feel that on a daily basis even when all of the cruddy parts of life rear their ugly heads. On the tough days, I have a really hard time not feeling sorry for myself. I hope I'm not alone in that.

I don't have any resolutions for 2014. I don't have any goals or expectations. I would like for some of the things I've been praying about this last year to be resolved. That would be pretty awesome! But, even if that doesn't happen, I hope to find a way to be content with what God has blessed me with. I think we all want something we don't have, and even when He gives us what we want, we find something new to want. I am thinking seriously about taking up a creative hobby, an outlet for my emotions, something new to invest myself in and be excited about. Maybe finding a new purpose in life, one just for me, will make the hard days easier to digest, and in return, lead me to be at peace with exactly who I am.

Lead me, Lord, in your righteousness because of my enemies - make your way straight before me. (Psalm 5:8)

Day 330...

Last week was troubling enough to make me realize that I still have a ways to go on this journey. I knew early on that this journey would be hard. A year ago, it was all about the food...what to eat, what not to eat, how to avoid unhealthy choices, etc. Now, it's all about thinking...what to think, what not to think, how to avoid negative thoughts, etc. There is a lot of negative chatter going on in my head. Something manifested itself in me long ago determined to keep me down for the rest of my life. It certainly is strong enough to do that, but my God is bigger.

When it comes to the things that stress me out, I have to try extra hard to guide my thoughts to a positive place. When my instinct is to yell, I have to praise God. When my instinct is to complain, I have to spout out my blessings. When my instinct is to put myself down, I have to list my accomplishments. When my instinct is to feel sorry for myself, I have to rejoice in my trials. When my instinct is to put others down, I have to show compassion instead. It has not been easy to retrain my mind, but it is doable. I am making progress. Anything is possible with God.

If I were to ask myself what I do that pleases God and then what I do that needs His reconstruction, I would answer like this: I give but expect in return. I give thanks but complain. I love but judge. I pray but lose faith. I praise but lose sight. I seek but look for the wrong things. I know God is working in my life. It is evident to me every day. I never knew that this journey would be quite so hard. I didn't know that there were so many things about myself that needed reconstruction.

So often when people choose to go on a weight loss journey, they seek only to lose the pounds. In all of the years that I have struggled with my weight, I have always known there was more to it. I knew I would have to dig down into a dark place to get to the root of my hurt. Perhaps, that is what holds others back as well. The goods news is that we don't have to take the journey alone. I honestly don't think I could have done this work without God's guidance and love. No matter how broken I see myself, God sees something perfect and beautiful. I shall continue to press on until I see myself as He does but also until I see those around me as He does as well.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Day 323...

I haven't had the greatest day. I know there are people out there dealing with a lot worse than me, but every once in a while, I have a horrible workday. Not just a bad day, a horrible day. Today, a growing list of mistakes I have made was brought to my attention. I desperately hate to make mistakes. One of my recent posts was about my perfectionism. I am typically harder on myself than other people are. I just take such pride in a good work-ethic and my reputation for attention to detail. In recent months, I have been pushed to my limit, and then pushed some more. At least once a week, I end up in crying fits because I can't seem to find a solution to this grueling work situation that I am in.

After work, I was skimming through my email, and I noticed the weekly church bulletin. I downloaded the PDF and began reading the announcements, many of which I already knew about. However, there were some new details about our holiday dinner coming up. As I read through the different needs for the dinner, I shockingly came across mine and Justin's names listed as the people in charge of decorations. This is the first I have heard of this. Justin knew nothing of said Christmas decorations, and I certainly would have remembered agreeing to such a task. I could not believe that this unexpected announcement came on the same day as my horrible workday.

As I had a bit of time to process, I came to a conclusion. I could be wrong, but I think God was trying to teach me that I can make mistakes, and the world won't end. I don't have to be “perfect”. Mistakes may make me feel terrible, but they happen to everyone. If for whatever reason, the people I work with aren't able to show compassion for my mistakes, especially while under extreme pressure and relying on a company that epitomizes “you get what you pay for”, there is no reason for me to lose sleep over it. That is not something I can change. I know that I do the very best I can with what I am given. I cannot control anything about the outside factors of my workday except for the way I react to stressful situations, and I will continue to do that in as Christian-like a manner as possible.

As for the holiday dinner decorations, I'm really not sure what that was about. I will find out for sure tomorrow if it was just a typo or an oversight on the asking part. I can suppose that God was trying to make me laugh in a “come on, are you kidding me kind of way”. But, I know that He knows me better than I know myself, so He should know that in the kind of mood I was in at that moment, it was absolutely not going to make me laugh. Tomorrow, perhaps...

Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. (Proverbs 28:13)