"Why should this time be any different?" That's what you ask yourself every single time you attempt to get back on the wagon. You've disappointed yourself yet again...I've had this talk with myself several dozen times over the years I'm sure. Most recently, me, myself, and I had this month-long conversation over the Christmas holidays. We talked about how hard it is to give up the unmeasured amounts of junk food that make life just a bit more bearable; how hard it is to get up early to exercise and grit our teeth through the sweat and the pain; and how hard it is to endure the day-in and day-out disappointment of not losing the weight fast enough. In between bites of chocolate covered cookies and sips of eggnog, the following thoughts for the other side crossed my mind as well: I'm running out of time before the health issues start to kick in full force; I have so many big events coming up this year that I want to look my best for; and most importantly..It's just time...because I'm tired. I've been on this roller coaster my whole life. I'm tired of wasting my energy on this depressing state that plagues my every thought. I'm tired of trying and failing.
I don't remember a day of my entire life that the word "fat" hasn't crossed my mind...not one single day. It's exhausting just writing it. Some people have "a reason" for their weight gain. The three beautiful children they gave birth to left a little extra love behind; an accident caused them to be bedridden for months which resulted in a few additional pounds; or some horrific circumstance forced them to hide inside a few extra layers so they could feel safe again. I wish I had "a reason", but I don't. I just ate too many of the wrong things growing up and didn't get enough exercise to burn the extra calories I was taking in. As the years continued to float by and the teasing and alienation became more than I could bear, I began to find comfort in food. All I knew was that I had very few friends, spent a lot of time alone, had no date to the dance, and the food somehow made me feel a little bit better.
If you were to ask me how I see myself, I see two people. The rational side of me sees a successful, super blessed, Christian girl with an amazing husband and a life full of dreams come true. The diseased side of me sees a lonely, overweight, gap-toothed girl with a good life she doesn't deserve. I try not to share that girl with the world too much because I'm supposed to be letting God's light shine through me, and that side of me is very dark. No amount of weight loss will ever fix that sad girl. But God...God can fix the sad girl. And this time, I asked Him to help. I asked Him to walk beside me every day and be there with me when I fight temptation. He's been guiding me to the tools I need to finally break through the barriers that are holding me back and essentially suffocating me. I can see God's handiwork clear as day. And, that is why this time will be different...
Stay tuned for more "Moments of Truth" every Monday as I work through the demons that have plagued me my entire life. I'm not sharing this journey for pity, and I'm not sharing these truths to be put on a pedestal. I simply want to hold myself accountable, maybe inspire someone else, maybe show someone that overweight people are not punching bags...We will break. By putting myself "out there", my secrets are exposed, and I have nothing left to lose...except the weight.
"You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north." (Deuteronomy 2:3)
