Day 330...

Last week was troubling enough to make me realize that I still have a ways to go on this journey. I knew early on that this journey would be hard. A year ago, it was all about the food...what to eat, what not to eat, how to avoid unhealthy choices, etc. Now, it's all about thinking...what to think, what not to think, how to avoid negative thoughts, etc. There is a lot of negative chatter going on in my head. Something manifested itself in me long ago determined to keep me down for the rest of my life. It certainly is strong enough to do that, but my God is bigger.

When it comes to the things that stress me out, I have to try extra hard to guide my thoughts to a positive place. When my instinct is to yell, I have to praise God. When my instinct is to complain, I have to spout out my blessings. When my instinct is to put myself down, I have to list my accomplishments. When my instinct is to feel sorry for myself, I have to rejoice in my trials. When my instinct is to put others down, I have to show compassion instead. It has not been easy to retrain my mind, but it is doable. I am making progress. Anything is possible with God.

If I were to ask myself what I do that pleases God and then what I do that needs His reconstruction, I would answer like this: I give but expect in return. I give thanks but complain. I love but judge. I pray but lose faith. I praise but lose sight. I seek but look for the wrong things. I know God is working in my life. It is evident to me every day. I never knew that this journey would be quite so hard. I didn't know that there were so many things about myself that needed reconstruction.

So often when people choose to go on a weight loss journey, they seek only to lose the pounds. In all of the years that I have struggled with my weight, I have always known there was more to it. I knew I would have to dig down into a dark place to get to the root of my hurt. Perhaps, that is what holds others back as well. The goods news is that we don't have to take the journey alone. I honestly don't think I could have done this work without God's guidance and love. No matter how broken I see myself, God sees something perfect and beautiful. I shall continue to press on until I see myself as He does but also until I see those around me as He does as well.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Day 323...

I haven't had the greatest day. I know there are people out there dealing with a lot worse than me, but every once in a while, I have a horrible workday. Not just a bad day, a horrible day. Today, a growing list of mistakes I have made was brought to my attention. I desperately hate to make mistakes. One of my recent posts was about my perfectionism. I am typically harder on myself than other people are. I just take such pride in a good work-ethic and my reputation for attention to detail. In recent months, I have been pushed to my limit, and then pushed some more. At least once a week, I end up in crying fits because I can't seem to find a solution to this grueling work situation that I am in.

After work, I was skimming through my email, and I noticed the weekly church bulletin. I downloaded the PDF and began reading the announcements, many of which I already knew about. However, there were some new details about our holiday dinner coming up. As I read through the different needs for the dinner, I shockingly came across mine and Justin's names listed as the people in charge of decorations. This is the first I have heard of this. Justin knew nothing of said Christmas decorations, and I certainly would have remembered agreeing to such a task. I could not believe that this unexpected announcement came on the same day as my horrible workday.

As I had a bit of time to process, I came to a conclusion. I could be wrong, but I think God was trying to teach me that I can make mistakes, and the world won't end. I don't have to be “perfect”. Mistakes may make me feel terrible, but they happen to everyone. If for whatever reason, the people I work with aren't able to show compassion for my mistakes, especially while under extreme pressure and relying on a company that epitomizes “you get what you pay for”, there is no reason for me to lose sleep over it. That is not something I can change. I know that I do the very best I can with what I am given. I cannot control anything about the outside factors of my workday except for the way I react to stressful situations, and I will continue to do that in as Christian-like a manner as possible.

As for the holiday dinner decorations, I'm really not sure what that was about. I will find out for sure tomorrow if it was just a typo or an oversight on the asking part. I can suppose that God was trying to make me laugh in a “come on, are you kidding me kind of way”. But, I know that He knows me better than I know myself, so He should know that in the kind of mood I was in at that moment, it was absolutely not going to make me laugh. Tomorrow, perhaps...

Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. (Proverbs 28:13)