Okay, so I took a
summer off…All I can say is I’ve been busy. I’ve also been troubled, torn,
broken, and bruised. I feel like I’m just now “coming of age” at the ripe ‘ol
age of 31. I have been struggling with some important decisions in my life,
enduring a few let-downs, and have been adding more to my spiritual plate in an
attempt to become the Christian God wants me to be. The baby shower I talked
about in my last blog post was thrown on June 1st. It was wonderful
and magical and everything I wanted it to be. I even surprised myself a bit.
But, what I hadn’t prepared for was the fact that I was going to have to throw
that baby shower less than 24 hours after the passing of my grandmother. I
can’t tell you exactly what that does to you because I haven’t quite figured it
out myself, but it changed me, changed my perspective, changed my attitude,
changed my heart.
I had been stressing the week leading up to the baby shower…so many things left to do. By the morning of May 31st, I had 95% of the preparation done. I began my half day of work, and it wasn’t long before I got the phone call that no one wants to get. My grandmother had been in the hospital for a month battling an illness that the doctors just couldn’t figure out. My mother had been by her side the whole time, and I was worried about them both. My mom called to let me know that my grandma’s organs were shutting down and the doctors couldn’t do anything else for her. This was it…she was going to leave this world, and I would never hug, laugh with or have another conversation with my Nannie ever again. In that moment, nothing else mattered, but very quickly thereafter, I knew that I was about to face the biggest emotional challenge of my life. My last living grandparent was soon going to pass from this life, and I was powerless. So, I focused on what I could control. I finished up my work, and I got on the road, as was already planned for the baby shower. I was half way to my destination when I got the message that really shook me. “It won’t be long now.” My mind was only on one thing, getting to my grandma and to my mom before it was too late.
By the grace of God, I made it to the hospital 15 minutes before my grandma passed. I will always believe that she was waiting for me. We had a special relationship, me and my Nannie. I adored her and looked up to her so much. I thank God we had so many wonderful memories together because that is all that’s left when someone leaves this life. The next best thing to my mother was gone, and I had to be strong for my mother now. She had been strong for my grandma for a very long time, so she gave me a great example. My next step was to keep it together to make it through my next task, the baby shower. As the baby shower came and I watched the last gift my grandmother would ever give go to my best friend, I couldn’t help but be sad that she won’t be here for my future baby showers or more importantly, to see my children grow up.
I’ve been a little broken ever since. A dark cloud just lingers over you as you try to piece your days together with the loss of someone that meant so much to you. Four months later, it still stings. I analyze my life and ask myself if I’m making the best of it, living it to the fullest. As I ask for God’s help in my life decisions, I find that His answers are not clear. Sometimes we just have to keep on keeping on until He shows us the way. That’s where I’m at now. I just keep my knees bent, my eyes open, and my heart guarded. A loss in life is a vulnerable time when reverting back to old habits and eating for comfort sounds really good. I did give myself a break for a little while. I mean if there was ever a time in life to eat a plate of three different kinds of cake, I suppose this was it. I did find that my shrunken stomach would become full rather quickly, and it was hard for me to consume as much as I wanted. I quickly jumped back on the wagon and fought temptation all summer long with visits, birthdays, vacations, and every reason in between to splurge. I maintained my weight loss all summer and just lost my 45th pound last week. This is exactly why it’s so important to make a lifestyle change…because when life gets unbearable, you can still maintain control. Now that I’ve lived through it, I can testify to it. God is faithful every day!
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)I had been stressing the week leading up to the baby shower…so many things left to do. By the morning of May 31st, I had 95% of the preparation done. I began my half day of work, and it wasn’t long before I got the phone call that no one wants to get. My grandmother had been in the hospital for a month battling an illness that the doctors just couldn’t figure out. My mother had been by her side the whole time, and I was worried about them both. My mom called to let me know that my grandma’s organs were shutting down and the doctors couldn’t do anything else for her. This was it…she was going to leave this world, and I would never hug, laugh with or have another conversation with my Nannie ever again. In that moment, nothing else mattered, but very quickly thereafter, I knew that I was about to face the biggest emotional challenge of my life. My last living grandparent was soon going to pass from this life, and I was powerless. So, I focused on what I could control. I finished up my work, and I got on the road, as was already planned for the baby shower. I was half way to my destination when I got the message that really shook me. “It won’t be long now.” My mind was only on one thing, getting to my grandma and to my mom before it was too late.
By the grace of God, I made it to the hospital 15 minutes before my grandma passed. I will always believe that she was waiting for me. We had a special relationship, me and my Nannie. I adored her and looked up to her so much. I thank God we had so many wonderful memories together because that is all that’s left when someone leaves this life. The next best thing to my mother was gone, and I had to be strong for my mother now. She had been strong for my grandma for a very long time, so she gave me a great example. My next step was to keep it together to make it through my next task, the baby shower. As the baby shower came and I watched the last gift my grandmother would ever give go to my best friend, I couldn’t help but be sad that she won’t be here for my future baby showers or more importantly, to see my children grow up.
I’ve been a little broken ever since. A dark cloud just lingers over you as you try to piece your days together with the loss of someone that meant so much to you. Four months later, it still stings. I analyze my life and ask myself if I’m making the best of it, living it to the fullest. As I ask for God’s help in my life decisions, I find that His answers are not clear. Sometimes we just have to keep on keeping on until He shows us the way. That’s where I’m at now. I just keep my knees bent, my eyes open, and my heart guarded. A loss in life is a vulnerable time when reverting back to old habits and eating for comfort sounds really good. I did give myself a break for a little while. I mean if there was ever a time in life to eat a plate of three different kinds of cake, I suppose this was it. I did find that my shrunken stomach would become full rather quickly, and it was hard for me to consume as much as I wanted. I quickly jumped back on the wagon and fought temptation all summer long with visits, birthdays, vacations, and every reason in between to splurge. I maintained my weight loss all summer and just lost my 45th pound last week. This is exactly why it’s so important to make a lifestyle change…because when life gets unbearable, you can still maintain control. Now that I’ve lived through it, I can testify to it. God is faithful every day!
