Day 330...

Last week was troubling enough to make me realize that I still have a ways to go on this journey. I knew early on that this journey would be hard. A year ago, it was all about the food...what to eat, what not to eat, how to avoid unhealthy choices, etc. Now, it's all about thinking...what to think, what not to think, how to avoid negative thoughts, etc. There is a lot of negative chatter going on in my head. Something manifested itself in me long ago determined to keep me down for the rest of my life. It certainly is strong enough to do that, but my God is bigger.

When it comes to the things that stress me out, I have to try extra hard to guide my thoughts to a positive place. When my instinct is to yell, I have to praise God. When my instinct is to complain, I have to spout out my blessings. When my instinct is to put myself down, I have to list my accomplishments. When my instinct is to feel sorry for myself, I have to rejoice in my trials. When my instinct is to put others down, I have to show compassion instead. It has not been easy to retrain my mind, but it is doable. I am making progress. Anything is possible with God.

If I were to ask myself what I do that pleases God and then what I do that needs His reconstruction, I would answer like this: I give but expect in return. I give thanks but complain. I love but judge. I pray but lose faith. I praise but lose sight. I seek but look for the wrong things. I know God is working in my life. It is evident to me every day. I never knew that this journey would be quite so hard. I didn't know that there were so many things about myself that needed reconstruction.

So often when people choose to go on a weight loss journey, they seek only to lose the pounds. In all of the years that I have struggled with my weight, I have always known there was more to it. I knew I would have to dig down into a dark place to get to the root of my hurt. Perhaps, that is what holds others back as well. The goods news is that we don't have to take the journey alone. I honestly don't think I could have done this work without God's guidance and love. No matter how broken I see myself, God sees something perfect and beautiful. I shall continue to press on until I see myself as He does but also until I see those around me as He does as well.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Day 323...

I haven't had the greatest day. I know there are people out there dealing with a lot worse than me, but every once in a while, I have a horrible workday. Not just a bad day, a horrible day. Today, a growing list of mistakes I have made was brought to my attention. I desperately hate to make mistakes. One of my recent posts was about my perfectionism. I am typically harder on myself than other people are. I just take such pride in a good work-ethic and my reputation for attention to detail. In recent months, I have been pushed to my limit, and then pushed some more. At least once a week, I end up in crying fits because I can't seem to find a solution to this grueling work situation that I am in.

After work, I was skimming through my email, and I noticed the weekly church bulletin. I downloaded the PDF and began reading the announcements, many of which I already knew about. However, there were some new details about our holiday dinner coming up. As I read through the different needs for the dinner, I shockingly came across mine and Justin's names listed as the people in charge of decorations. This is the first I have heard of this. Justin knew nothing of said Christmas decorations, and I certainly would have remembered agreeing to such a task. I could not believe that this unexpected announcement came on the same day as my horrible workday.

As I had a bit of time to process, I came to a conclusion. I could be wrong, but I think God was trying to teach me that I can make mistakes, and the world won't end. I don't have to be “perfect”. Mistakes may make me feel terrible, but they happen to everyone. If for whatever reason, the people I work with aren't able to show compassion for my mistakes, especially while under extreme pressure and relying on a company that epitomizes “you get what you pay for”, there is no reason for me to lose sleep over it. That is not something I can change. I know that I do the very best I can with what I am given. I cannot control anything about the outside factors of my workday except for the way I react to stressful situations, and I will continue to do that in as Christian-like a manner as possible.

As for the holiday dinner decorations, I'm really not sure what that was about. I will find out for sure tomorrow if it was just a typo or an oversight on the asking part. I can suppose that God was trying to make me laugh in a “come on, are you kidding me kind of way”. But, I know that He knows me better than I know myself, so He should know that in the kind of mood I was in at that moment, it was absolutely not going to make me laugh. Tomorrow, perhaps...

Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. (Proverbs 28:13)

Day 316...

I have had quite the week of eye-openers. I've been seeing so many stories lately about people fighting for their lives, many of them young people. I just keep thinking that I don't have any problems compared to what they are going through. It's very humbling to think I have been blessed with good health and still find reasons to complain and new things to worry about. The good news is that I can shift my perspective pretty easily, so it doesn't take me long to get my mind right again.

Let's rewind to last Friday, weigh-in day. As I stepped on the scale, I envisioned a number, the number I wanted it to say, the number that would give me bragging rights of the perfectly even 50 pounds I am oh-so-close to losing. I wanted the scale to tell me that I had lost two pounds, just two pounds. As I slowly tilted my head down to look at that bright red number on the scale below me, my heart sank when I noticed that the number was higher than I envisioned, higher even than the last time I stepped on the scale. According to this scale, I had actually gained three pounds since my last weigh-in. I had to channel my girl, Lysa TerKeurst (author of Made to Crave) and tell myself that I had done nothing deserving of this weight gain. I had exercised and eaten well. I had absolutely nothing to feel bad about and no good explanation as to why it happened.

Sure, I was bummed. But, I went on about my day with the same attitude I would have if the scale had shown a smaller number. By the end of the  day I realized that God was trying to tell me something. I slipped. Just like I had in the past, I was making this journey about the number again. I put pressure on myself to hit a certain number. A few weeks ago, I shared with you guys that I made another goal for myself to lose a certain amount of weight by my one-year anniversary. I was putting pressure on myself to do more work than usual during the hardest time of year (the holidays). I was going against my own principles. The funny thing is I've done just fine without the numbers. I have not quit the journey yet. I've lost 48 pounds so far. I've lost more inches than I can count. I've gained bucketloads of wisdom. I've gained a spirit of happiness and a closer relationship with God. So, I am hereby renouncing my goal of losing a certain number of pounds by mid-January. I am going to continue to eat healthy and exercise, but I am also going to treat myself in moderation. Otherwise, I will drive myself crazy with deprivation, which always results in failure for me.

Thanksgiving is quickly approaching, and I'm more aware than ever of my blessings and the wonderful things in my life. I have my moments and lose focus momentarily, but God always reins me back in. I am grateful for His love and his neverending forgiveness. Every single day I fall short of what He expects of me. Yet, He continues to bless me and bring me back down to earth so I can catch my breath before our next adventure.

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song I will praise Him. (Psalm 28:7)

Day 309...

In our ladies Bible class last night we talked about memorial stones, physical and figurative. We discussed the Bible story where Joshua leads the Israelites into the Promised Land. After wandering around in the wilderness for 40 years, the Israelites finally were able to cross the Jordan into the land that the Lord had promised them. With the priests standing in the middle of the river, God parted the waters which allowed the people to cross on dry land. Once they all made it across, Joshua instructed twelve men to collect twelve stones from where the priests stood. Each tribe took a stone back to their camp that would serve from then on out as a memorial to remind the Israelites of all that God had done for them.  

We all have mementos that remind us of important events, those we love who have passed, and special memories that we share with those we love. Sometimes family members pass down special items that remind us of them every time we use them.  When we go on vacations, we bring home souvenirs so we will remember the fun we had. I have a mini Statue of Liberty that reminds me of my visit to NYC every time I look at it. Instantly, the memories come flooding back, not only from my visit specifically to the Statue of Liberty but to my entire week-long adventure that was an absolute dream come true.

I am writing this blog to serve as a memorial stone in itself. One day I am hoping I will have triumphed over many of the issues I've been facing, and I will have this blog to remind me of my journey with God through the troubled times. Every time I sit down to write, I am reminded of my realization that conquering the problems I have needed to fix could never have been accomplished on my own. I knew that I needed God to help me through, and I wanted to document my journey. If I were to print out all of these posts and bind them into a book to sit on my coffee table, it might seem a little more like a physical memorial stone. The most important part of a memorial stone is that the stories that go with the stone are shared, that we pass down the memories and lessons to those we care for. I think I've got that part right. Thank you for reading and being a part of my journey. I truly believe that God is working wonders in my life and that I will have a great story of perseverance and faith to pass down to future generations.

He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the Lord is powerful and so that you might always fear the Lord your God. (Joshua 4:24)

Day 302...

Wow...over 300 hundred days! What an amazing journey this has been...amazing in a faith building way. Most days are not easy, and there are still so many things I don't understand about myself. But, each day I seem to get a little closer to being where I want to be. Just last week, I read an article that really opened my eyes. Have you ever had a weight lifted from your shoulders just by knowing something? Somehow, awareness breathes life back into us. It may be hurtful and difficult to come to terms with, but after the initial shock has worn off, it somehow makes us better. Oprah has always said, "When you know better, you do better."

Last week I read an article entitled 14 Signs Your Perfectionism Has Gotten Out Of Control written by Carolyn Gregoire. Here is the link if you'd like to read it for yourself:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/06/why-perfectionism-is-ruin_n_4212069.html 

It only took three sentences for me to know I had stumbled onto something that might change my life. "If you've ever cried about getting a B+ or ending up in second place, there's a good chance you're a perfectionist. As a culture, we tend to reward perfectionists for their insistence on setting high standards and relentless drive to meet those standards. And perfectionists frequently are high achievers -- but the price they pay for success can be chronic unhappiness and dissatisfaction."

Immediately, sensors started going off in my mind...Hey, that's me!! As I began reading through the 14 signs, I suddenly began to understand a little more about myself. I don't necessarily like to admit that I don't know why I do certain things, but I do find it difficult to explain my deeply hurt feelings, my shameful thoughts towards others, and my inability to just stop allowing things to bother me. Now, I can...sort of. I've always known I am a perfectionist, and I hate making mistakes, but I didn't realize that it was plaguing me. I didn't know that my desire to do everything perfectly was keeping me from trying new things, allowing friends to be "good enough", being content in the moment, and most importantly...being a happy person! Not every sign resonated with me, but most of them certainly did.

I've always been eager to please. I'm a big procrastinator. I'm highly critical of others. I go big or go home. I know there's no use crying over spilt milk, but I do anyway. I take everything personally. I get really defensive when criticized. I'm never quite "there yet". To a degree, I take pleasure in other people's failures. I get secretly nostalgic for my school days. I have a guilty soul...wait, what? It's true...I didn't know I was all of these things until I stopped to think about it. According to the article, I would be considered an "other-oriented perfectionist", meaning I am motivated by the desire for social approval. Bingo! Right there, I got it.

Naturally, a little girl with a weight problem would develop a need for social approval. The mentality was...If I don't look like everyone else, then I should achieve more to make up for that shortcoming. If I fail at an achievement, I will eat more food to make myself feel better...And, thus the vicious cycle of food dependence began and lasted for years and years. And, now, here I am. No wonder I have no time to "be still and know". All that perfection stuff is in my head fighting for my attention. But, I am grateful for this awakening, and I know this is a huge step forward. Having a name to encapsulate all of these negative, unwanted traits tells me that I can fix it. Already, I can recognize when the perfectionist is coming out.

I'm so grateful God led me to this article. It answered so many questions for me. It's another huge step in the right direction. It wasn't easy to read, and most certainly wasn't easy to digest. But, God sends us what we need when we are ready for it. And, I have been more than ready to face this. I'm almost excited about it. I find great peace in knowing that I don't have to be this person anymore. Now starts the part of the journey that allows me to cut myself some slack, find a little peace within, and let the stress roll off my back. Now that I know better, I can do better.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. (Psalm 139:14)

Day 295

I'm back on the exercise wagon...woohoo. It's nice to be back on the downward slope (in a good way). After a couple weeks of sickness and a couple of weekends traveling and one of the most fattening holidays of the year, I am finally back to it in full force. I'm working on shifting my focus on a few other areas of my life to find a little more peaceful calm. I can't fix everything all at one time, and my lifestyle change is my most important journey. So, I have to make it number one again.

I am the type of person that wants everything to be perfect. The problem is that when my focus is on perfection, I get overwhelmed. I lose sight of what's important. So, here I am again, moving back to square one to refocus my attention. The nice thing is though that I haven't sabotaged myself yet, which shows real growth on my part. Maintaining weight loss and having the ability to know when it is time to stop treating yourself is a huge part of the journey. I'm glad that I've been able to do that several times this past year. God has sent me some real tests, and it is only with Him by my side that I have been able to pass those tests.

As I look to the months ahead where I've set another small goal for myself, I get a little nervous that I won't be able to accomplish it. It's harder to lose weight now, as I've been cutting back for a while now. Plus there are all of the Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners to look forward to, as well as all of the special treats along the way and lots of traveling to visit all of the family. I may just have to step up the exercise for a little while, instead of cutting back the calories. But, if I stay on the wagon like I plan to, January 2014 will be the first time in my life that I haven't treated the beginning of the year as a pressure to start losing weight (again!). It will be a time to just keep on keeping on and to look forward to my one year anniversary of operation "It's Time". Now that's something to look forward to!

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)

Day 288...

God provides. That is what I have learned this week. He provides the essentials (which we shouldn't take for granted), but He also provides guidance, opportunity, and peace of mind. He doesn't always provide as quickly as we would like or in the way that we want, but God will always provide in the best way, His way. I may never understand why I would possibly think that I have all of the answers. Leaning on God is so much easier than trying to figure it all out. God gives me so much more than I deserve. The least I can do is trust Him.

Growth is a great thing. When you make it to a place where you can see true changes within yourself, it is an amazing feeling of accomplishment. The most important thing to do at that point is to give thanks. I couldn't be more grateful that I have God by my side each and every day. He's been with me when I wanted to reach for another piece of candy. He's been there when I wanted to lash out in frustration. He's been there when I felt like I had no one to talk to. He's been there when I needed to be stronger than I thought I had strength for. He's been there when I didn't think I could possibly roll out of bed and exercise. He's been there when others have been insensitive and caused me pain. He's been there when I have been my own worst enemy. He's always there. We just have to be willing to receive, really receive Him and make Him a permanent part of our lives. 

Everything is not going just like I would like right now, but I have faith that God is helping me grow while preparing me for something wonderful. My job is very stressful, and I don't make the amount of money I should. I am an excellent employee, and I always do whatever is asked of me. I have a long list of reasons for why I think I deserve better, but if God isn't bringing me an obvious resolution, there is really not a lot I can do about it. I pray...a lot! I have recently added a sticky note to my computer to remind me to say a prayer every morning before I start my work day. Generally, that prayer is specifically about work and my desire to deal with whatever comes my way in a Godly way. Some days I fall short but most days, I do think before I take action.

The most important thing I should remember right now is that God is in control and He knows my future. I would never want to settle for less than what He wants to give me. What if my simple desire is just the tip of the iceberg of what He wants me to have? Who am I to stand in the way of God's blessings for even me? A few days ago, I came across a quote on facebook. It didn't have a name with it, but I found it to be very encouraging..."If a problem has brought you to prayer, then it has served its purpose." There is nothing more important than our relationship with God. Sometimes He allows us to go through difficult times so that we will turn to Him. I, personally, wouldn't want it any other way. My only real job in this life is to prepare to go to Heaven, and I can't do that if I don't have a meaningful relationship with God.

Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! (Luke 12:24)

Day 281...

Well, the “allergies” the last couple of weeks were really strep throat. Yikes… Everything is looking up now since the addition of antibiotics. When you are as busy as I am, a bout with strep throat throws off your routine completely and sets you back. I’m working on getting caught up on my commitments and getting back into my routine. I’m just taking it one day at a time. I plan to be back to my regular exercise routine next week. Let’s keep our fingers crossed.

This past weekend, I had Justin bring down a box of old clothes from the attic. I kept some of my smaller clothes from the time I lost weight almost ten years ago. I guess I hung on to those clothes with the hopes that I would get back into them fairly quickly. Really, the only purpose they served was as a reminder that I had failed once again. I’ve lost and gained weight my entire life. If there was a career to be made out of that, I would probably do very well. I probably shouldn’t have kept those clothes. No one needs to beat themselves up with a constant reminder of their weaknesses. At least I packed the clothes away rather than leaving them where they were visible.

Regardless, I sifted through the clothes, hopeful that a pair of the jeans might fit. Much to my surprise, I could easily slide on one of the pairs. Not everything in the box fit, and I have another box of even smaller clothes. But, to fit into something I haven’t worn in eight years is quite the accomplishment. The further along I get on my journey, the harder it is to lose weight, to stay focused, and to see continued results. It’s exciting to watch my waistline continue to slim, especially during such a stressful time in life.

The best part about my week though was the visit to the clinic for my strep meds. When the doctor took my blood pressure and she read back a normal reading, I was quite happy. I’ve been on high blood pressure medication before, and with diet and exercise, was able to come off of it. It wasn’t too long after that, that my readings were starting to get high again, as my lifestyle reverted back to one of bad habits. One of the reasons I started this journey was to work on my health. No one wants to be on medication, especially if there is something you can do to avoid it.

All in all, the journey is still going well. Since I’ve been in a bit of a slump lately, I decided to make a new goal. I hope to lose another 14 pounds by mid-January (my one year mark). That will round “my number” out to an even 60. This slow-steady journey is what everyone should strive to do. It gives you time to make mistakes, learn about yourself, and fix the real problems behind the weight gain. I’m looking forward to my anniversary because I plan to really stop and reflect on what a life-changing year I have experienced.

You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. (1 John 4:4)

Day 274...

I don’t think I have anything all that inspiring to say this week. I’ve been participating in my bi-annual bout with allergies for the last several days. I’ve been praying to God for sleep in lieu of nightly coughing binges and working ten hour days instead of exercising…No, I haven’t gotten back to exercising yet. I’m just trying to survive right now. I’m still eating right, but my current work schedule and this sickness are not allowing me to get back to the exercise just yet. I’m not giving up…just waiting for the smoke to clear.

I’ve told people before that I think sometimes God “makes” us take a break. He might be doing that for me with these allergies right now. I’ve stepped away from extra commitments, chores, and stressors for a few days. It feels nice to give yourself a “free pass” to just sit on the couch and watch tv. Usually, my day looks like…work all day, cook dinner, do laundry, Bible lesson, go to bed. There’s not a lot of time left to relax. So, just until I feel better, I am giving myself permission to rest. So, I’ll keep this post short and jump right on it.

Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers. (3 John 1:2) 

Day 267...

I haven’t formally exercised in a couple of weeks. I’ve had to start work early several days in the last couple of weeks, which makes it difficult to get up even earlier and exercise. I’ve also had some busy days in general. Justin and I were at an outdoor music festival this weekend, so I got plenty of exercise from mile-and-a-half walks twice a day and standing for unlimited hours every day to watch the musicians play. That helps me feel good since it reminds me of my new active lifestyle. I’m hoping I can muster up the energy to get up tomorrow morning and squeeze my exercise in.

The great thing about the place I’m in now is that I don’t beat myself up anymore when life happens. In the past, I would think of myself as weak when I didn’t have the “willpower” to get my workout in. The only thing I really need to concern myself with now is that I don’t let too much time pass before I get back to it. It is true that I won’t lose much weight if I don’t exercise, but eating healthy even if I can’t exercise ensures I maintain my weight loss.

I’ve completely given up the “all or nothing” mentality that has set me back in the past. Some days I don’t exercise. Some days I don’t eat very healthy. Some days I don’t drink much water. But, there are other days when I get it all just right. I don’t dwell on any of it. I just do the best I can. I recognize that I am no longer dependent on food, and the progress that I have made reminds me that I don’t want to go back to where I’ve been. I do have to keep that in the back of my mind and stay focused so I don’t lose sight of my goal. It’s so easy to slide back into old ways, especially when life gets super stressful. With this in mind, I try to keep my stress level down and focus on God’s promises. Without His help, I never would have made it this far. He truly is an awesome God.

You, God, are awesome in your sanctuary; the God of Israel gives power and strength to His people. Praise be to God! (Psalm 68:35)

Day 260...

Life is hard, so I eat food. The most difficult part of this journey is learning to cope with my feelings rather than eating them. Life doesn’t work out the way you plan. Some days are terrible and life changing. But, I’ve begun to realize that I will never ever be able to control those outside factors. I will never be able to predict the future or how things will work out. But, I can choose to live healthy and make good choices when it comes to the foods I eat, the amount I eat, and being active.

Recently, I noticed that diet and exercise are no longer in the forefront of my mind. Somewhere along the way I made the transition to a healthy lifestyle. I observed, I imitated, and now I’m walking. My choices are second nature to me now. This doesn’t mean my work is done. It just means that I’ve turned over a new leaf and have made much more progress on this journey than I’ve ever made in any of my weight-loss attempts in the past.

The last several months I’ve been praying for some changes, a few new directions. I’ve been asking God to guide me and bring me peace. Nothing has really been working out or moving forward, causing a lot of frustration and anxiety. It’s hard when what you want isn’t happening the way you always hoped it would. Justin and I have worked for everything we have, keeping good heads on our shoulders and allowing God the time to work out whatever it is He has in store for us. He’s led us safely through each obstacle we’ve faced together and brought us out better than ever. That doesn’t mean we’ve always been patient about things, but we have tried to keep our eyes open.

Strong faith doesn’t mean you don’t face hardships. It just means that you realize you don’t have to worry. God tells us not to worry about tomorrow because today has enough worries of its own. Yesterday, Justin got the news that he is going to lose his job. His company is laying off 900 employees within the next six months, and he will be one of those people. He is our bread-winner. We were shaken for a minute, but it didn’t take long for us to see that God has put us in a great place to face this trial. I have a job. He will have severance pay. We have a bit of money saved up that we were hoping to use on a down payment for a house, but we haven’t been able to find the right place. Coincidence? I doubt it.

Only time will tell how this new adventure will play out. I choose to stay away from food and put my trust in the Lord. Justin has an amazing attitude about the whole thing, staying positive and looking forward to new possibilities. He’s a great example for me, especially when my tendency is to see the negative side of things. God never gives you more than you can handle, but sometimes it seems like he is stacking your plate just about as full as possible. Those are the times I choose to believe He is making me stronger and preparing me for something wonderful. I pray that I use this period of unknowns in my life to lean more on the Lord and allow myself to be the clay that He (as the potter) needs for His work to be something beautiful.

Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand. (Isaiah 64:8)

Day 253...

Okay, so I took a summer off…All I can say is I’ve been busy. I’ve also been troubled, torn, broken, and bruised. I feel like I’m just now “coming of age” at the ripe ‘ol age of 31. I have been struggling with some important decisions in my life, enduring a few let-downs, and have been adding more to my spiritual plate in an attempt to become the Christian God wants me to be. The baby shower I talked about in my last blog post was thrown on June 1^st. It was wonderful and magical and everything I wanted it to be. I even surprised myself a bit. But, what I hadn’t prepared for was the fact that I was going to have to throw that baby shower less than 24 hours after the passing of my grandmother. I can’t tell you exactly what that does to you because I haven’t quite figured it out myself, but it changed me, changed my perspective, changed my attitude, changed my heart.

I had been stressing the week leading up to the baby shower…so many things left to do. By the morning of May 31^st, I had 95% of the preparation done. I began my half day of work, and it wasn’t long before I got the phone call that no one wants to get. My grandmother had been in the hospital for a month battling an illness that the doctors just couldn’t figure out. My mother had been by her side the whole time, and I was worried about them both. My mom called to let me know that my grandma’s organs were shutting down and the doctors couldn’t do anything else for her. This was it…she was going to leave this world, and I would never hug, laugh with or have another conversation with my Nannie ever again. In that moment, nothing else mattered, but very quickly thereafter, I knew that I was about to face the biggest emotional challenge of my life. My last living grandparent was soon going to pass from this life, and I was powerless. So, I focused on what I could control. I finished up my work, and I got on the road, as was already planned for the baby shower. I was half way to my destination when I got the message that really shook me. “It won’t be long now.” My mind was only on one thing, getting to my grandma and to my mom before it was too late.

By the grace of God, I made it to the hospital 15 minutes before my grandma passed. I will always believe that she was waiting for me. We had a special relationship, me and my Nannie. I adored her and looked up to her so much. I thank God we had so many wonderful memories together because that is all that’s left when someone leaves this life. The next best thing to my mother was gone, and I had to be strong for my mother now. She had been strong for my grandma for a very long time, so she gave me a great example. My next step was to keep it together to make it through my next task, the baby shower. As the baby shower came and I watched the last gift my grandmother would ever give go to my best friend, I couldn’t help but be sad that she won’t be here for my future baby showers or more importantly, to see my children grow up.

I’ve been a little broken ever since. A dark cloud just lingers over you as you try to piece your days together with the loss of someone that meant so much to you. Four months later, it still stings. I analyze my life and ask myself if I’m making the best of it, living it to the fullest. As I ask for God’s help in my life decisions, I find that His answers are not clear. Sometimes we just have to keep on keeping on until He shows us the way. That’s where I’m at now. I just keep my knees bent, my eyes open, and my heart guarded. A loss in life is a vulnerable time when reverting back to old habits and eating for comfort sounds really good. I did give myself a break for a little while. I mean if there was ever a time in life to eat a plate of three different kinds of cake, I suppose this was it. I did find that my shrunken stomach would become full rather quickly, and it was hard for me to consume as much as I wanted. I quickly jumped back on the wagon and fought temptation all summer long with visits, birthdays, vacations, and every reason in between to splurge. I maintained my weight loss all summer and just lost my 45^th pound last week. This is exactly why it’s so important to make a lifestyle change…because when life gets unbearable, you can still maintain control. Now that I’ve lived through it, I can testify to it. God is faithful every day!

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

Day 162...

I took a seven week hiatus from the blog. I didn't exactly know I was going to do it until life just made it necessary. The first thing that pulled me away was my best friend's baby shower. As the best friend, I have been looking forward to throwing this baby shower for a very long time. My best friend and I have been friends since we were 15 years old. There was no way I could let her down and throw a less-than-epic shower. So, I've been planning this thing since I found out she had a baby on the way at Christmas last year. It took a great deal of time for all of my ideas to come together and for my vision to appear. To make this jungle safari baby shower happen, I had to give something up, especially since I was making the vast majority of the decorations.

The baby shower preparation took a great deal of my time and energy for the entire month of May. The fact that I was able to deal with the stress and continue to lose weight was quite an accomplishment for me. By the end of May, I had lost a total of 39 pounds. Being able to handle stressful situations without turning to food is my biggest struggle. Somehow, over the passing months, God hasn't taken away that struggle but has equipped me to deal with it. That is something that can only come from the grace of God. As the days passed and the to-do's were checked off of my list one-by-one, I began to look forward to the day ahead. Mostly, I was just looking forward to the look on my friend's face when she walked into the room.

One of my greatest joys is to see someone smile as a result of something I've done. I wonder if God feels the same way. I also wonder if He's hurt when we don't see the beauty in what He's created for us. I think as we get busy in our lives, it is often so difficult to see the forest for the trees. As I got bogged down with tissue paper and animal crackers after long days of work, I tried to remember the reason I was pasting and counting. I was doing a tremendous favor for my friend, and nothing could compare to the joy I had knowing I was that special friend who had the privilege of throwing a party to celebrate her beautiful boy that had been wanted and prayed for for so long. God had answered our prayers, and I was the one that got to share it with her.

God's blessings are all around us. Every day, we must make the choice to see them and to appreciate them. I'm not the world's greatest at it myself, but I try harder and harder every day to do just that. Sometimes, all it takes is a short break from the worries of this world to put everything back in perspective. Life is short, and we only get one chance to get it right. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I fail. But, the most important thing is that I never give up and never stop trying to do what is right.
  
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. (James 1:17)

Day 113...

I can't control how other people treat me. I can't control if they are nice or mean, courteous or rude, thoughtful or selfish, etc. What I can control, is how I respond to those people. Even when they've been mean to me, I can respond with a kind word. When they've been thoughtful and shared uplifting words with me, I can follow that up with a hug. It's much easier said than done when people don't have patience with my flaws to react in a courteous way. But, no matter what my mind tells me, God tells me to respond like Jesus would. I have to choose whether to follow His will or not.

I've been let down a lot in my life, and I'm working to come to terms with that. Most days I don't have a hard time looking past the not-so-kind words of others because I know that I am not perfect either. But, there are days when I'm tired, when I've had all I can take, and I have a hard time letting things go. I wonder why, just this once, it can't be about me. Why can't my good deeds be seen and acknowledged? Why can't the thoughtfulness in my heart shine through just a bit more than everything else in the world? But, the truth is, it's not about me...never has been, never will be. If I am walking this earth doing good deeds, waiting for others to put me on a pedestal, I am not doing good deeds for the right reasons.

God gave me life on this earth, and I owe everything I have to Him. I owe Him my time, my love, my faithfulness, and my soul. I made a decision a long time ago to follow the Lord, but only now am I realizing what that really means and how small I am in the vastness of this world He created. I am nothing without Him, and I must remember that every day of my life. With every morsel of food I put in my mouth, with every step of exercise, with every Bible lesson studied, with every prayer I pray, in every single thing I do, I must remember that I have not been promised anything, and God decides what my future holds. When I take a moment to pause and look at the big picture, there is no doubt in my mind that I should react with every wonderful quality of Jesus no matter what struggle has been set before me.

He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked. (1 John 2:6)

Day 106...

Sometimes life hands me lemons. I'm not the type to take them and quickly begin making lemonade. I might eventually make lemonade out of them but not before I second-guess myself, the situation, God's intentions, etc., etc. Thoughts crowd my mind and keep me from doing what I truly want to do...whip up a yummy jug of lemonade immediately! What did I do to bring about these lemons? What is God trying to teach me with these lemons? When will I get over the fact that I have been handed lemons?

This month has been full of lemons! Just as I was typing this very blog post and coming quite near the end of it, it somehow miraculously deleted itself and was gone before my very eyes. So, now I set off to try retyping the thoughts that were so eloquently written down just moments ago. I probably would be able to think more clearly if this lemony situation I just tried to explain to my husband  wasn't followed by, "That sucks. I'm going to bed." After streams of tears flowed due to his inherent lack of sympathy, I decided to dust myself off, and try this again...

Just last week, I discussed how I had hit a plateau and had been experiencing it for several weeks. Nothing but God could have helped me lose three pounds after eating more and exercising less over a four day period. When I stepped on the scale last Friday, I was shocked and ecstatic to see I had hit the 30 pound mark! I am still a little leery as my next weigh-in approaches. I know that the number is not what is important, but I also know myself. And, if I don't keep on top of things, I will quit because the plateau has always been my finish line. I'm never done at this point, but it's where I know I will stop. So, I just have to make sure I don't let that happen...BECAUSE this time is different!

I never know when my next batch of lemons is going to come, but I know that I will always have them. It's a fact of life. But, what truly matters is what I do with those lemons, and I will always, always strive to do what I believe God wants me to do with them. God is my constant. Even when the best hubby in the world is lacking sympathy for my latest batch of lemons, I know God is right beside me, maybe even laughing at me because I am still trying to figure out why!

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. (James 1:12)

Day 99...

According to Merriam-Webster, a plateau is a relatively stable level, period, or condition. I am bummed to say, I have a reached a plateau with my weight-loss. The scale has been sitting at the same number for three weeks now. I've been exercising just as much and eating just as healthy as before, but my body is out-smarting me. The research says my body thinks I am starving. Boo!

So, I read up on weight-loss plateaus and decided on a couple of tips that might work for me. Generally, our bodies get used to the same 'ol, same 'ol and stop working how we want them to. My body is content with the way things are, but I'm not. So, instead of taking my usual one day break from exercise this past weekend, I took four days off. And, instead of consuming my usual 1,200 calories per day, I upped it to about 2,000 calories for those four days. I've heard that sometimes a little jolt can put you back on track. Today, I'm back on track with my usual calories, and I'm back to exercising, but I pulled out a couple of workouts I haven't done in a few years to see if moving different muscles might do the trick. We shall see.

I have to say, I was quite apprehensive about letting myself go off track. But, I made a deal with myself, remembered that I don't want to let God down, and stayed focused on why I was making the choices I was making. I also had to tell myself that this short-lived change of habits was not going to make me gain back 27 pounds and would not cause me to lose sight of my goal...unless I let it. I know my body pretty well, and I knew this plateau was coming. The 30 pound mark is about all  my body has ever been willing to let go of at one time. I've lost 30 pounds about five or six different times. I usually fall off the wagon at this point and think if all of this work and dedication is not doing me any good, why bother? It really hasn't been all that hard to convince myself in the past either.

But, this time is different. I've asked for God's help, and He will see me through everything, even this plateau. When Friday morning weigh-in comes, I will remind myself that I am still a beautiful child of God no matter what number is on that scale. I will tell myself that I am not defined by whatever number is on that scale, even if it's a lower one than I've seen in the last three weeks. I'm looking forward to getting back on the losing end of things, but in the meantime, I welcome any and all lessons God may be using to make me a better and stronger person.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:9)

Day 92...

I've added a new book to my arsenal. It is called "Unglued" and is written by Lysa TerKeurst. She is the same author who wrote "Made to Crave". She's an excellent writer. I'd love to write inspiring books just like her one day. I know that I could reach people and touch them with my words. It's overwhelming to think about writing a book, thinking of all the work that goes into it, but it's also overwhelming in another sense, thinking of all of the lives I could change. I would love to help people, to know that I made a mark on the world, that my service to God didn't go unnoticed.

I read a passage from "Unglued" last night that I've been needing to hear. It goes like this..."I acknowledge that I can control only myself. I can't control how another person acts or reacts. Therefore, I shift my focus from trying to fix the other person and the situation to allowing God to reveal some tender truths to me...My job isn't to fix the difficult people in my life or enable them to continue disrespectful or abusive behaviors. My job is to be obedient to God in the way I act and respond to those people." It's as if I finally have permission to feel what I feel, that it's okay to feel let down by other people around me. It's okay to be disappointed and hurt by others, but I must remember that I can't control those people or change them for the better. BUT, I can change me and my perspective.

Last night at our ladies Bible study, I received what I thought to be an amazing compliment. We have a workbook that we do lessons in individually, and then we come together and discuss our responses and get insight from one another. I had just shared my thoughts about one of the points in our lesson, and one of my friends looked at me with a smile on her face and said, "You're really good...at changing your perspective." At first it caught me off-guard, and I really had to think about what that meant. There's nothing I love more than comforting someone and showing them that they matter to me. I think that requires changing my perspective, being able to see a situation through their eyes, to walk in their shoes. All I've ever wanted to be in this life is someone that other people can count on, and if I'm really good at changing my perspective, that must mean that I'm doing what I desire.

Changing my perspective is something I've been working really hard on when it comes to stressful and annoying situations as well. It's so much easier to keep a clear conscience when I react to those situations in a Godly manner. It's amazing to me how God has just jumped right in where I left room for Him to help me with this flaw I have. It's very encouraging to know that He will help me through anything if only I let Him. Everything is suddenly more enjoyable and exciting. Even when the days are long and my tiredness keeps me from feeling my cheeriest, I can switch my perspective to see the blessings that I have in my life, to focus on the love of my wonderful husband, and his only desire for me...just for me to be happy.

I pray that those of you who might be reading are encouraged by my words, even if it's only to realize that you are not alone. Thank you for supporting me and loving me...even when I'm at my worst. I think God might lead me to write a book one day, but it will only be when the time is right, when I've got a complete story to tell, the kind with a rough beginning, struggles in the middle, and a happy ending!

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4:16)

Day 85...

I'm beginning to realize how lonely this journey can be. Don't get me wrong...I have tons of encouraging people in my life that are supporting me every step of the way and every chance that they get. I couldn't be more grateful. That encouragement carries me a very long way. But, they can't be with me every minute of every day. It would be nice to have my own little group of cheerleaders with pom-poms in tow cheering me on beside my desk as I work. Give me an E! Give me an R! You get the drift... Unfortunately, that's just not feasible.

I've never met a single person that could fully understand my journey. Maybe they struggle with their weight but only have 20 pounds to lose. Maybe they have been overweight their entire life but don't have a problem with their poor attitude about it. Maybe they are a strong Christian but don't have a weight issue. Maybe they flip out during stressful situations but don't see anything wrong with that. I have yet to meet anyone that has struggled with their weight their entire life, needs to lose an entire person worth of weight, has a super strong relationship with God, has a problem with stressful situations, and passionately desires happiness alongside a healthy lifestyle change. Perhaps I can't find this person because God doesn't want me to. If I were to find this person here on earth, I might lose sight of the fact that God is the only one that truly understands. He understands my heart, and as a human, there is no way I could find the words to tell another person what my heart is feeling. The more alone I feel in this world, the more I cling to God.

The loneliest time is when I am tucked away at home, away from the world, and alone with my thoughts. As I work to convince myself that "I can do it" and "things will get better" and "this is not my fault" and "I'm worthy of love no matter what size my body is" and "be proud, you're doing so well" and "I love you" and "you're so much closer to God now", there are always a few people that don't realize how tough this storm is that I've been drudging through. My shoes are not their size, and just when I think I'm making real progress, I have to fight hurtful words that aren't spoken out of love and understanding but from a different darker place. It's painful to know that my actions could hurt someone, but it's even more painful to be unfairly attacked.  Even in the darkest of times, God slowly carries me back to shore and shows me that I am indeed making real progress, and all I have to do is breathe because once again, He's saved me from drowning.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3)

Day 71...

It's been a trying week. I think the devil's been after me. He knows I'm leaning more and more toward God every day, and I'm getting closer and closer to my weight loss goal every day as well. This past week has been very busy, and we actually talked about "busyness" in our Bible Study last night. So often the devil uses "busyness" to distract us, to frustrate us, to tire us, to try to keep us away from God. To prepare for my Bible Study, there are four lessons a week that I must complete and study. So, I have quiet time with God every single day now. Bible Study on Monday, Blog and reflection on Tuesday, Bible Class on Wednesday, Bible Study lessons on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, as well as church service twice on Sunday. Of course the devil would be hot on my tail, trying to distract me, to use my weaknesses, such as my dependence on food to pull me away from God.

It's not been the ideal week...I didn't lose any weight this past week. But, that's okay because I remembered the words I read in "Made to Crave". "Define your week by obedience, not by a number on the scale." I didn't overeat this week. I exercised according to my normal schedule. I felt lighter than the week before. I never ate in secret or out of frustration or anger. I never ran to food instead of God. And, before I got on the scale, I thought I had a successful, God-pleasing week. This is a series of questions that Lysa TerKeurst urges her readers to answer after a weigh-in such as mine. By focusing on the positive (my obedience on my journey), the negative (the number on the scale not decreasing) was overshadowed. I just figure I'm gaining muscle or retaining water, and next weigh-in, the number will drop!

Saturday got off to a rocky start, just because "plans" are wired into my brain, and when they don't go as expected, it throws off my entire ability to function. It's kind of ridiculous, and well, that's part of my journey, too...I'm working on it! After I got over that meltdown, Justin and I got out and went on an hour-long bike ride around the bay. It was fantastic! I love the fact that we no longer spend our Saturdays laying around watching TV like we once did. Then, Sunday, I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I managed to make it through the day without hurting anyone, but man, was I glad when bedtime rolled around. I suppose we all have our days. I'm just thankful that God lets me start over every 24 hours!

This rough week just goes to show that they all can't be perfect. No matter how much I rely on God, the devil is still working on me, too. I just refuse to give up on this journey. God has been patient with me through all of my struggles, so I owe Him patience in return. He's never given up on me, so I can't give up on allowing Him to lead me to victory!

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. (Psalm 40:1-2)

Day 64...

I'm still trucking right along: counting my calories, exercising six days a week, keeping my stress level in check, etc. It's amazing to me how this time feels much easier than before. I know that it's due to the fact that I've invited God along on my journey. There's no struggle bigger than God. I don't crave much because I satisfy my appetite in moderation. I was even brave enough to indulge in an ice cream cone this past weekend. It's always been so hard to believe that I don't have to give it all up. However, week after week, I still see the number on the scale continue to go down.

I've found that the key to life is balance. There are so many things in life that tug at the little bit of time that I have to offer. From God to church to chores to friendships to family to "fun time" and "me time", it's scary to think I could lose focus of this weight loss battle. For now, it's always on my mind and never leaves me, and that's just what I need. A friend of mine posted an inspirational video on facebook that showed athletes on an obstacle course. As the video progressed, I started to notice people completing these very difficult obstacles, and more importantly, some of them were missing limbs, yes limbs. But, somehow, they were still climbing ropes and running. The narrator Eric Thomas, then said something that's stuck with me ever since, "When you want to succeed as bad as you want to breathe, then you'll be successful." Wow...what an a-ha moment! That's why this time is different...

I started my journey nine weeks ago. I've lost a total of 18 inches and 23 lbs so far. But, the best part is the way I feel...I am physically, mentally, and spiritually a new and better person. My goal was to find out how to enjoy the wonderful life I've been given. I've realized it's all about my attitude and the way I choose to look at life. It is up to us whether we will appreciate God's blessings or take them for granted. If we dwell on the negative parts of our lives, we will miss all of the happiness. I consider my mission accomplished, but I still have to finish this journey and maintain the lifestyle that allows me to be happy. I still have days where I struggle, and I presume I always will. The journey is not over, but it's going really well! God is good, and He will never leave your side!

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deuteronomy 31:6)

Day 56...

I was busy last Monday working on the last key to my happiness. Really, it is the first and the only key. But, my eyes just hadn't been open to it yet. I couldn't see it, much less receive it. The truth is this key has been very important to me for a very long time, but I didn't realize that I was standing in the way of it all. My own desires and my own thoughts about what was best for me were blinding me. The need I have to so passionately fight for fairness all around me, and the stubbornness in me that actually thinks that could occur here on this earth has been blinding me for so long. I learned at "The Search for Happiness" campaign my church put together this past week that a spiritual approach to God is what will make me happy.

Lasting happiness will not come from anything physical. No amount of money, self-worth, people who love us, or possessions will bring me that joy that can't be stolen. Until I realize that God yearns for me to yearn for Him, I am not close enough to Him to be able to have real happiness. As I continue to work on my relationship with God, to create good habits that will make our relationship stronger, to more frequently talk with Him and read from His Word, I understand what true happiness is. It's not a weight loss goal. It's a sense of peace that only a relationship with God can bring. It's an understanding that no matter what happens in life, God is right there with me, to hold my hand. Just as God went to the garden to find Adam and Eve (who chose to hide from Him because they were ashamed), he is standing in my garden waiting for me to let go of the shame and the thoughts that are controlled by struggles of this world and to come to Him. He's standing there with His arms wide open ready to receive my whole heart, not just part of it.

I am now making a point to think things through before I let the voices in my head take me to a dark place. I think rationally about each situation, and wonder...Is it worth the energy I'm about to put into it? Every day, I get a little stronger, and it gets a little easier. I often have to tell myself that I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. It's getting better...it really is. I'm not struggling as much with a desire for food to comfort me. I find comfort in just knowing that I'm not the only one. For some reason, I thought I was. So many people are struggling out there and are afraid to let anyone in.

"The Search for Happiness" required me to attend church six times in five days. Those five days were right in the middle of a twelve day 100 hour work week. Of all the weeks for an unexpected deadline to hit, last week was not the time. I needed my rest. I needed more time to work on my game plan, to plan my meals, to exercise, to make sure I didn't fail. But, God knew my struggles before I did, and He never left my side. In the past, I would have allowed myself any number of excuses because I was going through a stressful and tiring time, but the truth is, I just didn't need them this time. I can't tell you how amazing it felt to be in control, and the empowerment I felt from making choices that I knew God would be proud of is way better than any slice of chocolate cake. I never once ate outside of my calorie goal or wavered from my exercise plan. I never flew off the handle or made any tiny problems bigger than they were. I've grown, and I'm happy...Mission accomplished!

If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. (1 John 1:6-7)

Day 42...

Sometimes all you can do is put one foot in front of the other, and take baby steps. That is what I'm attempting to do on this journey. The "all or nothing" mentality has never worked for me. I'm a perfectionist, so I've always thought that the only way to lose weight was to eat perfectly healthy, exercise daily, drink all eight glasses of water every day, and avoid all gatherings that are centered around eating. I could always do that for a while, and then something would knock me off the wagon. Maybe I had a piece of cake at a birthday party or missed a day of exercise, and I gave up, at least until the next Monday. Looking back, that was so ridiculous. One little thing was not going to screw up the journey. I was the one screwing up the journey. I would sabotage myself and then use that as an excuse to quit. That's a bit of an eye-opening realization.

I've been on my journey for six weeks now. I've had days where I didn't drink all of my water for the day. I've had weekends where it wasn't feasible for me to exercise on Saturday, my sixth and last workout of the week. I had some conversation hearts on Valentine's Day. I've even had weeks where I didn't drop an ounce of weight. I've gone out to eat several times. But, this time around, not once have I gotten down on myself because I messed something up. On the Saturdays that I wasn't able to exercise, I just tried to be a little more active. On Valentine's Day, I made sure that the calories I was consuming from the conversation hearts was still within my calorie goal for the day. The days I didn't have enough water, I just let it go. The weeks that I haven't lost weight, I just chalked that up to physical factors outside of my control. The times that I went out to eat, I scoped out the menu online and decided ahead of time what meal would fit into my calorie goal. I've seen real growth in myself, and I couldn't be more grateful for that.

What I've learned over the years is that DIETS DO NOT WORK, and I have to come up with a healthy lifestyle that I can live with forever. Things are going to happen that I cannot control, so I just have to be prepared to face them head-on and have the faith that I can make good choices even when I'm faced with a tough decision. Sometimes that means walking away, distancing myself from the things that aren't absolutely necessary. Several years ago, I was sure I'd figured it all out when I was doing the Nutrisystem diet (the heavily processed and expensive pre-packaged foods that you eat along with fresh fruits, veggies, and dairy). I told my doctor what I was doing, and I actually expected her to praise me for it. However, she said something that has resonated with me ever since. She said, "But you can't eat Nutrisystems for the rest of your life." A light bulb went off for me at that moment. Putting the work into losing weight is pointless if I expect that once I hit my goal weight, I can go back to the way it was before. I've done that before, and I gained 100 pounds back.

I know that my exercise program has to be something fun. I don't do well with calisthenic exercises or running. I just despise the memories I associate with it. When I was in junior high, I tried to play sports. Yes...tried! I was terrible! During our workout class, I remember feeling alienated because I was the heaviest girl and was always the last to cross the finish line. I couldn't do the exercises properly, and I would throw up from time to time. It was a horrible experience for me. That's why I am currently doing "Hip-Hop Abs" with Shaun T. I'm not really trying to get a six pack right now, but I love to dance, and that's what we do. When I find that I'm ready to graduate to a new fitness routine, I'll choose another form of dance workout.

I also know that I love fruit. I don't mind eating vegetables, but they're not my favorite. I try to pack my diet full of fruits because that is a much better choice than some kind of processed junk! I also find healthier ways to prepare the foods I love. It's funny how after a few weeks, I realized that I don't need a lot of salt, butter, or sugar to season my foods. Once I became accustomed to leaving them off my food, I began to notice the natural flavors. I'm still working on trying new foods and looking for new ways to cook veggies. I know it won't be long before I get tired of the same 'ol thing.

It's taken a lot of trial and error and twenty years to figure these things out. I've realized that we are all different. That's why some crazy people thrive on running and others LOVE salad. Every person that has ever dared to go on this journey has either realized or will soon realize that they have to do what works for them. I'm still learning new things, and over time, I know that it will become second nature. But, for now, I just take it one day at a time. I use myfitnesspal.com to count my calories and exercise, and I've actually found that I enjoy the "game" of meeting a goal every day. Sometimes, I just have to put on my rose-colored glasses, focus on the positive, and see the growth in myself. Only with God's help, the right attitude, and a new found love for myself will I find my way to the finish line.
    
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. (Ephesians 4:22-24)

Day 36...

Why is it that I get so worked up over things I can't control? Why do I feel like a prisoner in my own body, not able to be happy, not able to enjoy my amazing life? I'm sure this all started when I was a child. As I've said before, I often felt lonely growing up, being faced with alienation from obesity at a young age. This is when I became my best friend and my internal dialogue became my worst enemy. I began saying terrible things to myself that I would never have said to someone else. I was trying to make sense of why I was being mistreated, and nothing ever made sense other than the way I looked. So, I told myself that I was fat and ugly, and it grew from there. Unfortunately, that dialogue has followed me well into adulthood.

That dialogue accelerated to complaining about everything, ashamedly not only to myself but to others. Somehow complaining and being negative towards other people and situations made me feel a bit better about my sad existence. Somewhere along the way, it began to be something I couldn't control and now, something I loathe about myself. It's really hard to be a Christian out in the world, trying to shine your light for Jesus when the only words you can think of to share are mean and selfish. Before I started this journey, it was very difficult not to be bitter about everything. I never understood why until now. It's something I've finally begun to understand while reading Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose". His philosophical approach to the mind has really hit the nail on the head for me. I knew this book was going to be a lifesaver for me when I got to the meat of the book and felt like he was speaking to me.

"Many feel a diminished sense of self-worth because they perceive their body as ugly or imperfect....Most people are so completely identified with the voice in the head--the incessant stream of involuntary and compulsive thinking and the emotions that accompany it--that we may describe them as being possessed by their mind...Every complaint is a little story the mind makes up that you completely believe in...In many cases, happiness is  a role people play, and behind the smiling facade, there is a great deal of pain...Alienation means you don't feel at ease in any situation, any place, or with any person, not even with yourself. You are always trying to get "home" but never feel at home...There is a generic term for all negative emotions: unhappiness...Your memories are invested with a sense of self, and your story becomes who you perceive yourself to be...They then know that neither their unhappy story nor the emotion they feel is who they are." --All excerpts from "A New Earth"

Wow...I seriously just saw this problem I have as weakness, as one more thing to hate about myself. However, when I started reading this book, I thought that maybe there was a way out of this downward spiral. Most importantly, Eckhart Tolle convinced me that this is not my fault, and it shouldn't be perceived as something wrong with me. Every day is a struggle, but now I am aware of what my mind is doing. I just needed someone to explain it to me. I feel much happier just existing now, and I can quickly stop my negative thoughts and turn them into positive ones. It's difficult working on this and my physical health at the same time, but I know that these two issues "feed" one another. The more unhappy I am with my body, the more negative I become about life. When I am in control of my life, the negative thoughts are less prominent.

In spite of this sad side of myself that most people don't see, I am very much a cheerleader for those around me. That is who I really am. Finally, after so much time, I think I'm beginning to see what others see. I've always been the encourager. I've always tried to be that one person that people could depend on to say or do something encouraging. I now realize why. I wouldn't change my childhood for anything. That would mean I wouldn't be that person that people depend on to send the thoughtful gift or to share an encouraging message. I now realize  that this is why God put me on this earth. My gift is to encourage others! It makes me happy to bake a special batch of cookies from scratch for someone I love or to hand-make a Christmas card that will bring a smile to a person that desperately needs it. I've found that I need to embrace this gift and do more of these things because making others happy is what makes me happy!

Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. (1 Peter 4:10)

Day 29...

Well, I've been on my journey for a month now. I've been so determined that I've gone outside my comfort zone many times and allowed myself to be the odd one out because I know my real reward is victory. And, victory will not come without hard work and perseverance. It's a mindset I have to allow myself to take on because there is no magic pill, and there never will be. I have to wake up and dedicate myself to changing my own life every single day, even when it's hard. Oh, how I long to put this struggle behind me.

It's a bit depressing to realize how much I've depended on food in the past. If I had a rough day at work, I'd just swing through Mickey D's and Super Size it! It was my reward for dealing with stressful situations, but it was only a temporary reward. Last week was a tough one. Just when I thought I'd endured all the stress I could handle, more was piled on my shoulders. I really feel like God was testing me, almost asking me, "How much do you crave me? I want to help you. Choose me instead!" I'm feeling more confident and empowered this week, as I realize that not once during that stressful week did I turn to food to cure what ailed me (I surely wanted to though). I simply breathed through it, prayed through it, cried through it, and by God's grace, I survived. It was a week that needed to happen. I needed to know how strong I could be and I needed to stand up for myself against the food that has always stood in the way of my happiness.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)