Day 253...

Okay, so I took a summer off…All I can say is I’ve been busy. I’ve also been troubled, torn, broken, and bruised. I feel like I’m just now “coming of age” at the ripe ‘ol age of 31. I have been struggling with some important decisions in my life, enduring a few let-downs, and have been adding more to my spiritual plate in an attempt to become the Christian God wants me to be. The baby shower I talked about in my last blog post was thrown on June 1^st. It was wonderful and magical and everything I wanted it to be. I even surprised myself a bit. But, what I hadn’t prepared for was the fact that I was going to have to throw that baby shower less than 24 hours after the passing of my grandmother. I can’t tell you exactly what that does to you because I haven’t quite figured it out myself, but it changed me, changed my perspective, changed my attitude, changed my heart.

I had been stressing the week leading up to the baby shower…so many things left to do. By the morning of May 31^st, I had 95% of the preparation done. I began my half day of work, and it wasn’t long before I got the phone call that no one wants to get. My grandmother had been in the hospital for a month battling an illness that the doctors just couldn’t figure out. My mother had been by her side the whole time, and I was worried about them both. My mom called to let me know that my grandma’s organs were shutting down and the doctors couldn’t do anything else for her. This was it…she was going to leave this world, and I would never hug, laugh with or have another conversation with my Nannie ever again. In that moment, nothing else mattered, but very quickly thereafter, I knew that I was about to face the biggest emotional challenge of my life. My last living grandparent was soon going to pass from this life, and I was powerless. So, I focused on what I could control. I finished up my work, and I got on the road, as was already planned for the baby shower. I was half way to my destination when I got the message that really shook me. “It won’t be long now.” My mind was only on one thing, getting to my grandma and to my mom before it was too late.

By the grace of God, I made it to the hospital 15 minutes before my grandma passed. I will always believe that she was waiting for me. We had a special relationship, me and my Nannie. I adored her and looked up to her so much. I thank God we had so many wonderful memories together because that is all that’s left when someone leaves this life. The next best thing to my mother was gone, and I had to be strong for my mother now. She had been strong for my grandma for a very long time, so she gave me a great example. My next step was to keep it together to make it through my next task, the baby shower. As the baby shower came and I watched the last gift my grandmother would ever give go to my best friend, I couldn’t help but be sad that she won’t be here for my future baby showers or more importantly, to see my children grow up.

I’ve been a little broken ever since. A dark cloud just lingers over you as you try to piece your days together with the loss of someone that meant so much to you. Four months later, it still stings. I analyze my life and ask myself if I’m making the best of it, living it to the fullest. As I ask for God’s help in my life decisions, I find that His answers are not clear. Sometimes we just have to keep on keeping on until He shows us the way. That’s where I’m at now. I just keep my knees bent, my eyes open, and my heart guarded. A loss in life is a vulnerable time when reverting back to old habits and eating for comfort sounds really good. I did give myself a break for a little while. I mean if there was ever a time in life to eat a plate of three different kinds of cake, I suppose this was it. I did find that my shrunken stomach would become full rather quickly, and it was hard for me to consume as much as I wanted. I quickly jumped back on the wagon and fought temptation all summer long with visits, birthdays, vacations, and every reason in between to splurge. I maintained my weight loss all summer and just lost my 45^th pound last week. This is exactly why it’s so important to make a lifestyle change…because when life gets unbearable, you can still maintain control. Now that I’ve lived through it, I can testify to it. God is faithful every day!

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

Day 162...

I took a seven week hiatus from the blog. I didn't exactly know I was going to do it until life just made it necessary. The first thing that pulled me away was my best friend's baby shower. As the best friend, I have been looking forward to throwing this baby shower for a very long time. My best friend and I have been friends since we were 15 years old. There was no way I could let her down and throw a less-than-epic shower. So, I've been planning this thing since I found out she had a baby on the way at Christmas last year. It took a great deal of time for all of my ideas to come together and for my vision to appear. To make this jungle safari baby shower happen, I had to give something up, especially since I was making the vast majority of the decorations.

The baby shower preparation took a great deal of my time and energy for the entire month of May. The fact that I was able to deal with the stress and continue to lose weight was quite an accomplishment for me. By the end of May, I had lost a total of 39 pounds. Being able to handle stressful situations without turning to food is my biggest struggle. Somehow, over the passing months, God hasn't taken away that struggle but has equipped me to deal with it. That is something that can only come from the grace of God. As the days passed and the to-do's were checked off of my list one-by-one, I began to look forward to the day ahead. Mostly, I was just looking forward to the look on my friend's face when she walked into the room.

One of my greatest joys is to see someone smile as a result of something I've done. I wonder if God feels the same way. I also wonder if He's hurt when we don't see the beauty in what He's created for us. I think as we get busy in our lives, it is often so difficult to see the forest for the trees. As I got bogged down with tissue paper and animal crackers after long days of work, I tried to remember the reason I was pasting and counting. I was doing a tremendous favor for my friend, and nothing could compare to the joy I had knowing I was that special friend who had the privilege of throwing a party to celebrate her beautiful boy that had been wanted and prayed for for so long. God had answered our prayers, and I was the one that got to share it with her.

God's blessings are all around us. Every day, we must make the choice to see them and to appreciate them. I'm not the world's greatest at it myself, but I try harder and harder every day to do just that. Sometimes, all it takes is a short break from the worries of this world to put everything back in perspective. Life is short, and we only get one chance to get it right. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I fail. But, the most important thing is that I never give up and never stop trying to do what is right.
  
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. (James 1:17)

Day 113...

I can't control how other people treat me. I can't control if they are nice or mean, courteous or rude, thoughtful or selfish, etc. What I can control, is how I respond to those people. Even when they've been mean to me, I can respond with a kind word. When they've been thoughtful and shared uplifting words with me, I can follow that up with a hug. It's much easier said than done when people don't have patience with my flaws to react in a courteous way. But, no matter what my mind tells me, God tells me to respond like Jesus would. I have to choose whether to follow His will or not.

I've been let down a lot in my life, and I'm working to come to terms with that. Most days I don't have a hard time looking past the not-so-kind words of others because I know that I am not perfect either. But, there are days when I'm tired, when I've had all I can take, and I have a hard time letting things go. I wonder why, just this once, it can't be about me. Why can't my good deeds be seen and acknowledged? Why can't the thoughtfulness in my heart shine through just a bit more than everything else in the world? But, the truth is, it's not about me...never has been, never will be. If I am walking this earth doing good deeds, waiting for others to put me on a pedestal, I am not doing good deeds for the right reasons.

God gave me life on this earth, and I owe everything I have to Him. I owe Him my time, my love, my faithfulness, and my soul. I made a decision a long time ago to follow the Lord, but only now am I realizing what that really means and how small I am in the vastness of this world He created. I am nothing without Him, and I must remember that every day of my life. With every morsel of food I put in my mouth, with every step of exercise, with every Bible lesson studied, with every prayer I pray, in every single thing I do, I must remember that I have not been promised anything, and God decides what my future holds. When I take a moment to pause and look at the big picture, there is no doubt in my mind that I should react with every wonderful quality of Jesus no matter what struggle has been set before me.

He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked. (1 John 2:6)

Day 106...

Sometimes life hands me lemons. I'm not the type to take them and quickly begin making lemonade. I might eventually make lemonade out of them but not before I second-guess myself, the situation, God's intentions, etc., etc. Thoughts crowd my mind and keep me from doing what I truly want to do...whip up a yummy jug of lemonade immediately! What did I do to bring about these lemons? What is God trying to teach me with these lemons? When will I get over the fact that I have been handed lemons?

This month has been full of lemons! Just as I was typing this very blog post and coming quite near the end of it, it somehow miraculously deleted itself and was gone before my very eyes. So, now I set off to try retyping the thoughts that were so eloquently written down just moments ago. I probably would be able to think more clearly if this lemony situation I just tried to explain to my husband  wasn't followed by, "That sucks. I'm going to bed." After streams of tears flowed due to his inherent lack of sympathy, I decided to dust myself off, and try this again...

Just last week, I discussed how I had hit a plateau and had been experiencing it for several weeks. Nothing but God could have helped me lose three pounds after eating more and exercising less over a four day period. When I stepped on the scale last Friday, I was shocked and ecstatic to see I had hit the 30 pound mark! I am still a little leery as my next weigh-in approaches. I know that the number is not what is important, but I also know myself. And, if I don't keep on top of things, I will quit because the plateau has always been my finish line. I'm never done at this point, but it's where I know I will stop. So, I just have to make sure I don't let that happen...BECAUSE this time is different!

I never know when my next batch of lemons is going to come, but I know that I will always have them. It's a fact of life. But, what truly matters is what I do with those lemons, and I will always, always strive to do what I believe God wants me to do with them. God is my constant. Even when the best hubby in the world is lacking sympathy for my latest batch of lemons, I know God is right beside me, maybe even laughing at me because I am still trying to figure out why!

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. (James 1:12)

Day 99...

According to Merriam-Webster, a plateau is a relatively stable level, period, or condition. I am bummed to say, I have a reached a plateau with my weight-loss. The scale has been sitting at the same number for three weeks now. I've been exercising just as much and eating just as healthy as before, but my body is out-smarting me. The research says my body thinks I am starving. Boo!

So, I read up on weight-loss plateaus and decided on a couple of tips that might work for me. Generally, our bodies get used to the same 'ol, same 'ol and stop working how we want them to. My body is content with the way things are, but I'm not. So, instead of taking my usual one day break from exercise this past weekend, I took four days off. And, instead of consuming my usual 1,200 calories per day, I upped it to about 2,000 calories for those four days. I've heard that sometimes a little jolt can put you back on track. Today, I'm back on track with my usual calories, and I'm back to exercising, but I pulled out a couple of workouts I haven't done in a few years to see if moving different muscles might do the trick. We shall see.

I have to say, I was quite apprehensive about letting myself go off track. But, I made a deal with myself, remembered that I don't want to let God down, and stayed focused on why I was making the choices I was making. I also had to tell myself that this short-lived change of habits was not going to make me gain back 27 pounds and would not cause me to lose sight of my goal...unless I let it. I know my body pretty well, and I knew this plateau was coming. The 30 pound mark is about all  my body has ever been willing to let go of at one time. I've lost 30 pounds about five or six different times. I usually fall off the wagon at this point and think if all of this work and dedication is not doing me any good, why bother? It really hasn't been all that hard to convince myself in the past either.

But, this time is different. I've asked for God's help, and He will see me through everything, even this plateau. When Friday morning weigh-in comes, I will remind myself that I am still a beautiful child of God no matter what number is on that scale. I will tell myself that I am not defined by whatever number is on that scale, even if it's a lower one than I've seen in the last three weeks. I'm looking forward to getting back on the losing end of things, but in the meantime, I welcome any and all lessons God may be using to make me a better and stronger person.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:9)

Day 92...

I've added a new book to my arsenal. It is called "Unglued" and is written by Lysa TerKeurst. She is the same author who wrote "Made to Crave". She's an excellent writer. I'd love to write inspiring books just like her one day. I know that I could reach people and touch them with my words. It's overwhelming to think about writing a book, thinking of all the work that goes into it, but it's also overwhelming in another sense, thinking of all of the lives I could change. I would love to help people, to know that I made a mark on the world, that my service to God didn't go unnoticed.

I read a passage from "Unglued" last night that I've been needing to hear. It goes like this..."I acknowledge that I can control only myself. I can't control how another person acts or reacts. Therefore, I shift my focus from trying to fix the other person and the situation to allowing God to reveal some tender truths to me...My job isn't to fix the difficult people in my life or enable them to continue disrespectful or abusive behaviors. My job is to be obedient to God in the way I act and respond to those people." It's as if I finally have permission to feel what I feel, that it's okay to feel let down by other people around me. It's okay to be disappointed and hurt by others, but I must remember that I can't control those people or change them for the better. BUT, I can change me and my perspective.

Last night at our ladies Bible study, I received what I thought to be an amazing compliment. We have a workbook that we do lessons in individually, and then we come together and discuss our responses and get insight from one another. I had just shared my thoughts about one of the points in our lesson, and one of my friends looked at me with a smile on her face and said, "You're really good...at changing your perspective." At first it caught me off-guard, and I really had to think about what that meant. There's nothing I love more than comforting someone and showing them that they matter to me. I think that requires changing my perspective, being able to see a situation through their eyes, to walk in their shoes. All I've ever wanted to be in this life is someone that other people can count on, and if I'm really good at changing my perspective, that must mean that I'm doing what I desire.

Changing my perspective is something I've been working really hard on when it comes to stressful and annoying situations as well. It's so much easier to keep a clear conscience when I react to those situations in a Godly manner. It's amazing to me how God has just jumped right in where I left room for Him to help me with this flaw I have. It's very encouraging to know that He will help me through anything if only I let Him. Everything is suddenly more enjoyable and exciting. Even when the days are long and my tiredness keeps me from feeling my cheeriest, I can switch my perspective to see the blessings that I have in my life, to focus on the love of my wonderful husband, and his only desire for me...just for me to be happy.

I pray that those of you who might be reading are encouraged by my words, even if it's only to realize that you are not alone. Thank you for supporting me and loving me...even when I'm at my worst. I think God might lead me to write a book one day, but it will only be when the time is right, when I've got a complete story to tell, the kind with a rough beginning, struggles in the middle, and a happy ending!

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4:16)

Day 85...

I'm beginning to realize how lonely this journey can be. Don't get me wrong...I have tons of encouraging people in my life that are supporting me every step of the way and every chance that they get. I couldn't be more grateful. That encouragement carries me a very long way. But, they can't be with me every minute of every day. It would be nice to have my own little group of cheerleaders with pom-poms in tow cheering me on beside my desk as I work. Give me an E! Give me an R! You get the drift... Unfortunately, that's just not feasible.

I've never met a single person that could fully understand my journey. Maybe they struggle with their weight but only have 20 pounds to lose. Maybe they have been overweight their entire life but don't have a problem with their poor attitude about it. Maybe they are a strong Christian but don't have a weight issue. Maybe they flip out during stressful situations but don't see anything wrong with that. I have yet to meet anyone that has struggled with their weight their entire life, needs to lose an entire person worth of weight, has a super strong relationship with God, has a problem with stressful situations, and passionately desires happiness alongside a healthy lifestyle change. Perhaps I can't find this person because God doesn't want me to. If I were to find this person here on earth, I might lose sight of the fact that God is the only one that truly understands. He understands my heart, and as a human, there is no way I could find the words to tell another person what my heart is feeling. The more alone I feel in this world, the more I cling to God.

The loneliest time is when I am tucked away at home, away from the world, and alone with my thoughts. As I work to convince myself that "I can do it" and "things will get better" and "this is not my fault" and "I'm worthy of love no matter what size my body is" and "be proud, you're doing so well" and "I love you" and "you're so much closer to God now", there are always a few people that don't realize how tough this storm is that I've been drudging through. My shoes are not their size, and just when I think I'm making real progress, I have to fight hurtful words that aren't spoken out of love and understanding but from a different darker place. It's painful to know that my actions could hurt someone, but it's even more painful to be unfairly attacked.  Even in the darkest of times, God slowly carries me back to shore and shows me that I am indeed making real progress, and all I have to do is breathe because once again, He's saved me from drowning.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3)