Day 22...

The real temptation for me is when I'm with a group of people and cannot eat what they are eating. It's not so much about the food but more about the feeling of being alienated. I hate being the odd one out, no matter the circumstances. Since I experienced that so much as a child, I still find the feelings lingering and haunting me. I've found a good explanation for this situation I continue to find myself facing in Lysa TerKeurst's book, Made to Crave. "I've realized when the desire for treats is triggered by difficult emotions, it's not really a desire for treats--it's a thinly veiled attempt at self-medication." An addiction to food goes much deeper than the food. Somewhere along the way, I've made an attachment to food and allowed it to comfort me, to be my friend and to fill a void. I know that despite these feelings, I have to push through and continue to make the good, healthy choices that God intended for me.

When I'm on track, I've got a lot of discipline, and I can make good choices. But, sometimes the devil plays on my emotional weaknesses and uses them to hurt me. One deep fried appetizer on date night or one piece of cake at a party can ultimately screw up all of my progress for an entire week. I've seen it happen time and time again. Sometimes the people who are trying to support me are actually sabotaging me, unknowingly of course. "You've been doing so good lately, why not have that box of chocolates? It is Valentine's Day after all. " Even though I have already made up my mind that Valentine's Day is too soon to indulge even a little, that type of comment can convince me that that one little box won't hurt me, but that's not the case at all. A box of chocolates can take away every calorie I've made the effort to sweat away during the course of a week. And some of you might understand that a week without weight loss on a journey such as this can be torture and ultimately lead to a dead end.  And Lord knows I need to stay away from any situation that makes me feel like I should dump on myself for being a failure.

I've got lots of events coming up that I'm not looking forward to so much because I will be faced with unhealthy food. It's much easier for me to stay at home in my bubble where there is no confrontation. But, that's not feasible, so I just take it one day at a time. To turn down cake at a baby shower sounds criminal, but it's something I will have to do. When an alcoholic is working on their 12-step program, you don't take them to a bar and offer them a cocktail. The problem with being addicted to food is that we all have to eat food to survive, so I can't just say, "I won't eat ever again". Unfortunately, the world we live in puts food on a pedestal and makes it the center of attention for any occasion. Truth be told, I used to look forward to celebrations because it was a time that overindulgence was "okay". And by celebrations, I mean weekends, holidays, birthdays, football games, visits with family, church gatherings, etc. I'm sure if I did the math I would find there were as many non-celebratory days in a year as there were days to celebrate. Now, when it comes to celebrating, I'm working on turning my thoughts onto what it is I am actually celebrating. And, this Valentine's Day, I will be celebrating all of the love in my life...minus the box of chocolates!

But he (Jesus) said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

Day 15...

"Why should this time be any different?" That's what you ask yourself every single time you attempt to get back on the wagon. You've disappointed yourself yet again...I've had this talk with myself several dozen times over the years I'm sure. Most recently, me, myself, and I had this month-long conversation over the Christmas holidays. We talked about how hard it is to give up the unmeasured amounts of junk food that make life just a bit more bearable; how hard it is to get up early to exercise and grit our teeth through the sweat and the pain; and how hard it is to endure the day-in and day-out disappointment of not losing the weight fast enough. In between bites of chocolate covered cookies and sips of eggnog, the following thoughts for the other side crossed my mind as well: I'm running out of time before the health issues start to kick in full force; I have so many big events coming up this year that I want to look my best for;  and most importantly..It's just time...because I'm tired. I've been on this roller coaster my whole life. I'm tired of wasting my energy on this depressing state that plagues my every thought. I'm tired of trying and failing.
 
I don't remember a day of my entire life that the word "fat" hasn't crossed my mind...not one single day. It's exhausting just writing it. Some people have "a reason" for their weight gain. The three beautiful children they gave birth to left a little extra love behind; an accident caused them to be bedridden for months which resulted in a few additional pounds; or some horrific circumstance forced them to hide inside a few extra layers so they could feel safe again. I wish I had "a reason", but I don't. I just ate too many of the wrong things growing up and didn't get enough exercise to burn the extra calories I was taking in. As the years continued to float by and the teasing and alienation became more than I could bear, I began to find comfort in food. All I knew was that I had very few friends, spent a lot of time alone, had no date to the dance, and the food somehow made me feel a little bit better.
 
If you were to ask me how I see myself, I see two people. The rational side of me sees a successful, super blessed, Christian girl with an amazing husband and a life full of dreams come true. The diseased side of me sees a lonely, overweight, gap-toothed girl with a good life she doesn't deserve. I try not to share that girl with the world too much because I'm supposed to be letting God's light shine through me, and that side of me is very dark. No amount of weight loss will ever fix that sad girl. But God...God can fix the sad girl. And this time, I asked Him to help. I asked Him to walk beside me every day and be there with me when I fight temptation. He's been guiding me to the tools I need to finally break through the barriers that are holding me back and essentially suffocating me. I can see God's handiwork clear as day. And, that is why this time will be different...

Stay tuned for more "Moments of Truth" every Monday as I work through the demons that have plagued me my entire life. I'm not sharing this journey for pity, and I'm not sharing these truths to be put on a pedestal. I simply want to hold myself accountable, maybe inspire someone else, maybe show someone that overweight people are not punching bags...We will break. By putting myself "out there", my secrets are exposed, and I have nothing left to lose...except the weight.

"You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north." (Deuteronomy 2:3)

Four...

Four years of high school all came rushing back to me as I sat back quietly watching the other members of the class of 2000 during our visit to the park today. We had a great bbq lunch while the boys tossed washers, the girls sat around gabbing, and the kids ran around playing. About a third of the group that showed up brought kids. It was quite interesting to see how the kiddos are shaping up to be just like their parents, sometimes a good thing, sometimes not. A few awards were handed out, like most marriages, most kids, furthest traveling distance, and most unchanged (which went to my best friend by the way).

After a big group picture, everyone began to slowly disperse to rest up for the fun night planned at the karaoke bar. I took a little time to get ready; after all I don’t go out very often. I have to say that this was my favorite event. Everyone was having a great time, sharing memories, laughing, and talking about the future. It was kind of funny having drinks with these people, seeing as the last time we were together, it was illegal for us to do so. Most of the group only graced the dance floor to do the electric slide and only one person got up to sing, but we enjoyed ourselves nonetheless with just sharing our stories.

By the end of the night, we all felt reunited. While most of us still keep in touch through Facebook, it was nice to all be together again at the same time in the same place. As Justin and I headed back home, I felt grateful that I was able to break away from the times that once held me back, and look ahead to the success that I have found.

I now realize that success is the best form of payback…

Three...

Three events over the course of two days made up the Class of 2000 Reunion. The reunion was a lot of fun, but at the same time made me realize that I am so grateful for my life and what I have made of it. Most everyone there had been successful in some way with a career, children, and/or a spouse. It’s amazing to see how no one has really changed in ten years, but everyone has matured. Naturally, the events progressed as no time had passed with everyone flocking to their high school cliques.

The first event was a gathering last night at the Homecoming football game. It was fun cheering for the home team, resulting in a win for us. I spent the time catching up with my best girl friends in school. My very favorite part of the evening was spending time with such special friends. After the game, we had a bonfire with smores at the home of the married high school sweethearts. It was great fun to visit with more friends and catch up on what everyone was doing.

That evening I came to several conclusions: the jocks were still throwing the football around, the smart guys were talking about their intellectual jobs, the less ambitious ones were talking about their jail-time, the stuck-up girl was still acting rudely, the sweet girls were still sweet, the kids that partied all the time were still partying, the quiet kids were still quiet, the loud ones were still loud, and everyone that was married, married someone that complemented their personality.

It’s funny how no matter how much older I am, more confident I am, or successful I am, when put back in that atmosphere, my insecurities come flooding back to me. I felt out of place often in school, always feeling like the kid on the outside of the circle. I fit in right where I am in my life now, and I’m very happy, so none of that stuff even matters to me anymore.

To Be Continued…

Two...

Two months ago, I was completely clueless and unsure of what was in my future. My faith told me everything would be okay, but my human emotions told me I might never find success. Every time I have set a goal for myself, God has led me to the finish line. The thing about this race is that it only ends when we have come to the end of our life. So, I keep making goals for myself and simply start a new race as soon as the previous one ends.

The first goal I remember setting for myself outside of high school activities was a college education. It took me 9 years, a lot of ups and downs, many sleepless nights, and naturally a lot of perseverance. God was definitely by my side guiding me.

Ever since Justin and I were married in 2003, we have accomplished the things we have set out to do, mainly due to our faith and patience. We’ve worked hard to get each other through school, keep our heads above water when times got tough, and stay out of debt. Every year of our 7 years of marriage has brought some sort of challenge.

This last year has been very trying for us both, not knowing what the future would hold and being stuck in an unchanging limbo. Within a few weeks, our lives have been turned upside-down in a great way! We’re finally reaping the benefits of all of our hard work over the past 10 years or so.

In just the last month, I have finally gotten a job that will help us move on down the road in regards to a career, home, and family. We have joined a new church where we can serve the Lord and grow as Christians. We have been fortunate enough to be able to purchase a wonderful new vehicle.

I hope that if nothing else, I am able to inspire people to keep going in life and to never give up. There is no doubt in my mind that God rewards those that strive to live their lives according to His will. Our life has definitely turned 180 degrees in the last two months, and we’re loving every minute of it.

An excerpt from my favorite hymn, “Sing and Be Happy”

“Sing and you’ll be happy today
Press along to the goal
Trust in Him who leadeth the way
He is keeping your soul.”

Never stop looking ahead to the finish line…

One...

One day in a land far, far away, there was the absolute perfect car that Justin and Erica had always dreamed of. It just so happened that the stars aligned that day because Justin and Erica drove that perfect car home.

Justin grew up loving Fords, and Erica grew up loving Chevrolets. However, when it came time to look for a new vehicle for the family, Chevrolet did not offer the car that Erica wanted. So, unfortunately, Erica’s GM mechanic father would just have to sulk.

Justin and Erica drove the “Banana-Mobile” (their old yellow car) to the car dealership that was over an hour away late this morning. After several hours of paper work and negotiations, Erica drove away with the car of her dreams. Who would have thought in two weeks time Erica would have a new job and a new car? Certainly not her!

Justin and Erica celebrated at one of their favorite Cajun seafood restaurants, Razzoo’s. Their fried pickles are to-die-for. After the drive home and a nap, Justin and Erica decided to take the car out for some family bonding at the local Drive-In Movie Theater. It was so much fun for them, sitting in the back of the SUV with the hatch up. They both beamed with pride at the awesomeness of their choice and purchase! They look forward to cooler weather with no mosquitoes. They still had fun nonetheless!

The light blue 2008 Ford Edge includes the following awesome qualities: the coolest color ever, leather interior, lots of room, a giant sunroof, exquisite cup holders, a 6 disc CD changer, SYNC (which allows Erica to tell the car what she wants it to play from her IPOD as well as talk on her phone hands free through the car), a smooth ride, 20” chrome wheels, and lots of other special features that make this car ah-mazing!

Justin and Erica are very happy with their decision and hope to have many happy years in their new-to-them car. Erica feels so lucky because she got the boy she wanted, the education she wanted, the job she wanted, and now the car she wanted! Erica is a strong believer in working hard and is having a wonderful time enjoying the benefits that come from that hard work!

If at first things don’t go your way, give it time. Sometimes patience is the only answer…

Purple...

I think it’s fitting that I wore a purple peasant top to work today not even thinking that I would be writing about ‘The Color Purple’. When I think about this color, I always think of the cheeriest dinosaur on earth, Barney. In addition, Prince not only dabbles in songs about red; he also has a song called ‘Purple Rain’.

Enjoy some fun purple stuff… I’ve pretty much decided I don’t have enough juice to do my blog justice 5 times a week. So, after this week, you can expect the old fascinating, witty, and exciting posts on the weekends!

Watch out for the one-eyed, one-horned, flyin’ purple people eater…