I'm still trucking right along: counting my calories, exercising six days a week, keeping my stress level in check, etc. It's amazing to me how this time feels much easier than before. I know that it's due to the fact that I've invited God along on my journey. There's no struggle bigger than God. I don't crave much because I satisfy my appetite in moderation. I was even brave enough to indulge in an ice cream cone this past weekend. It's always been so hard to believe that I don't have to give it all up. However, week after week, I still see the number on the scale continue to go down.
I've found that the key to life is balance. There are so many things in life that tug at the little bit of time that I have to offer. From God to church to chores to friendships to family to "fun time" and "me time", it's scary to think I could lose focus of this weight loss battle. For now, it's always on my mind and never leaves me, and that's just what I need. A friend of mine posted an inspirational video on facebook that showed athletes on an obstacle course. As the video progressed, I started to notice people completing these very difficult obstacles, and more importantly, some of them were missing limbs, yes limbs. But, somehow, they were still climbing ropes and running. The narrator Eric Thomas, then said something that's stuck with me ever since, "When you want to succeed as bad as you want to breathe, then you'll be successful." Wow...what an a-ha moment! That's why this time is different...
I started my journey nine weeks ago. I've lost a total of 18 inches and 23 lbs so far. But, the best part is the way I feel...I am physically, mentally, and spiritually a new and better person. My goal was to find out how to enjoy the wonderful life I've been given. I've realized it's all about my attitude and the way I choose to look at life. It is up to us whether we will appreciate God's blessings or take them for granted. If we dwell on the negative parts of our lives, we will miss all of the happiness. I consider my mission accomplished, but I still have to finish this journey and maintain the lifestyle that allows me to be happy. I still have days where I struggle, and I presume I always will. The journey is not over, but it's going really well! God is good, and He will never leave your side!
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deuteronomy 31:6)
I was busy last Monday working on the last key to my happiness. Really, it is the first and the only key. But, my eyes just hadn't been open to it yet. I couldn't see it, much less receive it. The truth is this key has been very important to me for a very long time, but I didn't realize that I was standing in the way of it all. My own desires and my own thoughts about what was best for me were blinding me. The need I have to so passionately fight for fairness all around me, and the stubbornness in me that actually thinks that could occur here on this earth has been blinding me for so long. I learned at "The Search for Happiness" campaign my church put together this past week that a spiritual approach to God is what will make me happy.
Lasting happiness will not come from anything physical. No amount of money, self-worth, people who love us, or possessions will bring me that joy that can't be stolen. Until I realize that God yearns for me to yearn for Him, I am not close enough to Him to be able to have real happiness. As I continue to work on my relationship with God, to create good habits that will make our relationship stronger, to more frequently talk with Him and read from His Word, I understand what true happiness is. It's not a weight loss goal. It's a sense of peace that only a relationship with God can bring. It's an understanding that no matter what happens in life, God is right there with me, to hold my hand. Just as God went to the garden to find Adam and Eve (who chose to hide from Him because they were ashamed), he is standing in my garden waiting for me to let go of the shame and the thoughts that are controlled by struggles of this world and to come to Him. He's standing there with His arms wide open ready to receive my whole heart, not just part of it.
I am now making a point to think things through before I let the voices in my head take me to a dark place. I think rationally about each situation, and wonder...Is it worth the energy I'm about to put into it? Every day, I get a little stronger, and it gets a little easier. I often have to tell myself that I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. It's getting better...it really is. I'm not struggling as much with a desire for food to comfort me. I find comfort in just knowing that I'm not the only one. For some reason, I thought I was. So many people are struggling out there and are afraid to let anyone in.
"The Search for Happiness" required me to attend church six times in five days. Those five days were right in the middle of a twelve day 100 hour work week. Of all the weeks for an unexpected deadline to hit, last week was not the time. I needed my rest. I needed more time to work on my game plan, to plan my meals, to exercise, to make sure I didn't fail. But, God knew my struggles before I did, and He never left my side. In the past, I would have allowed myself any number of excuses because I was going through a stressful and tiring time, but the truth is, I just didn't need them this time. I can't tell you how amazing it felt to be in control, and the empowerment I felt from making choices that I knew God would be proud of is way better than any slice of chocolate cake. I never once ate outside of my calorie goal or wavered from my exercise plan. I never flew off the handle or made any tiny problems bigger than they were. I've grown, and I'm happy...Mission accomplished!
If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. (1 John 1:6-7)
Sometimes all you can do is put one foot in front of the other, and take baby steps. That is what I'm attempting to do on this journey. The "all or nothing" mentality has never worked for me. I'm a perfectionist, so I've always thought that the only way to lose weight was to eat perfectly healthy, exercise daily, drink all eight glasses of water every day, and avoid all gatherings that are centered around eating. I could always do that for a while, and then something would knock me off the wagon. Maybe I had a piece of cake at a birthday party or missed a day of exercise, and I gave up, at least until the next Monday. Looking back, that was so ridiculous. One little thing was not going to screw up the journey. I was the one screwing up the journey. I would sabotage myself and then use that as an excuse to quit. That's a bit of an eye-opening realization.
I've been on my journey for six weeks now. I've had days where I didn't drink all of my water for the day. I've had weekends where it wasn't feasible for me to exercise on Saturday, my sixth and last workout of the week. I had some conversation hearts on Valentine's Day. I've even had weeks where I didn't drop an ounce of weight. I've gone out to eat several times. But, this time around, not once have I gotten down on myself because I messed something up. On the Saturdays that I wasn't able to exercise, I just tried to be a little more active. On Valentine's Day, I made sure that the calories I was consuming from the conversation hearts was still within my calorie goal for the day. The days I didn't have enough water, I just let it go. The weeks that I haven't lost weight, I just chalked that up to physical factors outside of my control. The times that I went out to eat, I scoped out the menu online and decided ahead of time what meal would fit into my calorie goal. I've seen real growth in myself, and I couldn't be more grateful for that.
What I've learned over the years is that DIETS DO NOT WORK, and I have to come up with a healthy lifestyle that I can live with forever. Things are going to happen that I cannot control, so I just have to be prepared to face them head-on and have the faith that I can make good choices even when I'm faced with a tough decision. Sometimes that means walking away, distancing myself from the things that aren't absolutely necessary. Several years ago, I was sure I'd figured it all out when I was doing the Nutrisystem diet (the heavily processed and expensive pre-packaged foods that you eat along with fresh fruits, veggies, and dairy). I told my doctor what I was doing, and I actually expected her to praise me for it. However, she said something that has resonated with me ever since. She said, "But you can't eat Nutrisystems for the rest of your life." A light bulb went off for me at that moment. Putting the work into losing weight is pointless if I expect that once I hit my goal weight, I can go back to the way it was before. I've done that before, and I gained 100 pounds back.
I know that my exercise program has to be something fun. I don't do well with calisthenic exercises or running. I just despise the memories I associate with it. When I was in junior high, I tried to play sports. Yes...tried! I was terrible! During our workout class, I remember feeling alienated because I was the heaviest girl and was always the last to cross the finish line. I couldn't do the exercises properly, and I would throw up from time to time. It was a horrible experience for me. That's why I am currently doing "Hip-Hop Abs" with Shaun T. I'm not really trying to get a six pack right now, but I love to dance, and that's what we do. When I find that I'm ready to graduate to a new fitness routine, I'll choose another form of dance workout.
I also know that I love fruit. I don't mind eating vegetables, but they're not my favorite. I try to pack my diet full of fruits because that is a much better choice than some kind of processed junk! I also find healthier ways to prepare the foods I love. It's funny how after a few weeks, I realized that I don't need a lot of salt, butter, or sugar to season my foods. Once I became accustomed to leaving them off my food, I began to notice the natural flavors. I'm still working on trying new foods and looking for new ways to cook veggies. I know it won't be long before I get tired of the same 'ol thing.
It's taken a lot of trial and error and twenty years to figure these things out. I've realized that we are all different. That's why some crazy people thrive on running and others LOVE salad. Every person that has ever dared to go on this journey has either realized or will soon realize that they have to do what works for them. I'm still learning new things, and over time, I know that it will become second nature. But, for now, I just take it one day at a time. I use myfitnesspal.com to count my calories and exercise, and I've actually found that I enjoy the "game" of meeting a goal every day. Sometimes, I just have to put on my rose-colored glasses, focus on the positive, and see the growth in myself. Only with God's help, the right attitude, and a new found love for myself will I find my way to the finish line.
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. (Ephesians 4:22-24)
Why is it that I get so worked up over things I can't control? Why do I feel like a prisoner in my own body, not able to be happy, not able to enjoy my amazing life? I'm sure this all started when I was a child. As I've said before, I often felt lonely growing up, being faced with alienation from obesity at a young age. This is when I became my best friend and my internal dialogue became my worst enemy. I began saying terrible things to myself that I would never have said to someone else. I was trying to make sense of why I was being mistreated, and nothing ever made sense other than the way I looked. So, I told myself that I was fat and ugly, and it grew from there. Unfortunately, that dialogue has followed me well into adulthood.
That dialogue accelerated to complaining about everything, ashamedly not only to myself but to others. Somehow complaining and being negative towards other people and situations made me feel a bit better about my sad existence. Somewhere along the way, it began to be something I couldn't control and now, something I loathe about myself. It's really hard to be a Christian out in the world, trying to shine your light for Jesus when the only words you can think of to share are mean and selfish. Before I started this journey, it was very difficult not to be bitter about everything. I never understood why until now. It's something I've finally begun to understand while reading Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose". His philosophical approach to the mind has really hit the nail on the head for me. I knew this book was going to be a lifesaver for me when I got to the meat of the book and felt like he was speaking to me.
"Many feel a diminished sense of self-worth because they perceive their body as ugly or imperfect....Most people are so completely identified with the voice in the head--the incessant stream of involuntary and compulsive thinking and the emotions that accompany it--that we may describe them as being possessed by their mind...Every complaint is a little story the mind makes up that you completely believe in...In many cases, happiness is a role people play, and behind the smiling facade, there is a great deal of pain...Alienation means you don't feel at ease in any situation, any place, or with any person, not even with yourself. You are always trying to get "home" but never feel at home...There is a generic term for all negative emotions: unhappiness...Your memories are invested with a sense of self, and your story becomes who you perceive yourself to be...They then know that neither their unhappy story nor the emotion they feel is who they are." --All excerpts from "A New Earth"
Wow...I seriously just saw this problem I have as weakness, as one more thing to hate about myself. However, when I started reading this book, I thought that maybe there was a way out of this downward spiral. Most importantly, Eckhart Tolle convinced me that this is not my fault, and it shouldn't be perceived as something wrong with me. Every day is a struggle, but now I am aware of what my mind is doing. I just needed someone to explain it to me. I feel much happier just existing now, and I can quickly stop my negative thoughts and turn them into positive ones. It's difficult working on this and my physical health at the same time, but I know that these two issues "feed" one another. The more unhappy I am with my body, the more negative I become about life. When I am in control of my life, the negative thoughts are less prominent.
In spite of this sad side of myself that most people don't see, I am very much a cheerleader for those around me. That is who I really am. Finally, after so much time, I think I'm beginning to see what others see. I've always been the encourager. I've always tried to be that one person that people could depend on to say or do something encouraging. I now realize why. I wouldn't change my childhood for anything. That would mean I wouldn't be that person that people depend on to send the thoughtful gift or to share an encouraging message. I now realize that this is why God put me on this earth. My gift is to encourage others! It makes me happy to bake a special batch of cookies from scratch for someone I love or to hand-make a Christmas card that will bring a smile to a person that desperately needs it. I've found that I need to embrace this gift and do more of these things because making others happy is what makes me happy!
Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. (1 Peter 4:10)
Well, I've been on my journey for a month now. I've been so determined that I've gone outside my comfort zone many times and allowed myself to be the odd one out because I know my real reward is victory. And, victory will not come without hard work and perseverance. It's a mindset I have to allow myself to take on because there is no magic pill, and there never will be. I have to wake up and dedicate myself to changing my own life every single day, even when it's hard. Oh, how I long to put this struggle behind me.
It's a bit depressing to realize how much I've depended on food in the past. If I had a rough day at work, I'd just swing through Mickey D's and Super Size it! It was my reward for dealing with stressful situations, but it was only a temporary reward. Last week was a tough one. Just when I thought I'd endured all the stress I could handle, more was piled on my shoulders. I really feel like God was testing me, almost asking me, "How much do you crave me? I want to help you. Choose me instead!" I'm feeling more confident and empowered this week, as I realize that not once during that stressful week did I turn to food to cure what ailed me (I surely wanted to though). I simply breathed through it, prayed through it, cried through it, and by God's grace, I survived. It was a week that needed to happen. I needed to know how strong I could be and I needed to stand up for myself against the food that has always stood in the way of my happiness.
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)
The real temptation for me is when I'm with a group of people and cannot eat what they are eating. It's not so much about the food but more about the feeling of being alienated. I hate being the odd one out, no matter the circumstances. Since I experienced that so much as a child, I still find the feelings lingering and haunting me. I've found a good explanation for this situation I continue to find myself facing in Lysa TerKeurst's book, Made to Crave. "I've realized when the desire for treats is triggered by difficult emotions, it's not really a desire for treats--it's a thinly veiled attempt at self-medication." An addiction to food goes much deeper than the food. Somewhere along the way, I've made an attachment to food and allowed it to comfort me, to be my friend and to fill a void. I know that despite these feelings, I have to push through and continue to make the good, healthy choices that God intended for me.
When I'm on track, I've got a lot of discipline, and I can make good choices. But, sometimes the devil plays on my emotional weaknesses and uses them to hurt me. One deep fried appetizer on date night or one piece of cake at a party can ultimately screw up all of my progress for an entire week. I've seen it happen time and time again. Sometimes the people who are trying to support me are actually sabotaging me, unknowingly of course. "You've been doing so good lately, why not have that box of chocolates? It is Valentine's Day after all. " Even though I have already made up my mind that Valentine's Day is too soon to indulge even a little, that type of comment can convince me that that one little box won't hurt me, but that's not the case at all. A box of chocolates can take away every calorie I've made the effort to sweat away during the course of a week. And some of you might understand that a week without weight loss on a journey such as this can be torture and ultimately lead to a dead end. And Lord knows I need to stay away from any situation that makes me feel like I should dump on myself for being a failure.
I've got lots of events coming up that I'm not looking forward to so much because I will be faced with unhealthy food. It's much easier for me to stay at home in my bubble where there is no confrontation. But, that's not feasible, so I just take it one day at a time. To turn down cake at a baby shower sounds criminal, but it's something I will have to do. When an alcoholic is working on their 12-step program, you don't take them to a bar and offer them a cocktail. The problem with being addicted to food is that we all have to eat food to survive, so I can't just say, "I won't eat ever again". Unfortunately, the world we live in puts food on a pedestal and makes it the center of attention for any occasion. Truth be told, I used to look forward to celebrations because it was a time that overindulgence was "okay". And by celebrations, I mean weekends, holidays, birthdays, football games, visits with family, church gatherings, etc. I'm sure if I did the math I would find there were as many non-celebratory days in a year as there were days to celebrate. Now, when it comes to celebrating, I'm working on turning my thoughts onto what it is I am actually celebrating. And, this Valentine's Day, I will be celebrating all of the love in my life...minus the box of chocolates!
But he (Jesus) said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
"Why should this time be any different?" That's what you ask yourself every single time you attempt to get back on the wagon. You've disappointed yourself yet again...I've had this talk with myself several dozen times over the years I'm sure. Most recently, me, myself, and I had this month-long conversation over the Christmas holidays. We talked about how hard it is to give up the unmeasured amounts of junk food that make life just a bit more bearable; how hard it is to get up early to exercise and grit our teeth through the sweat and the pain; and how hard it is to endure the day-in and day-out disappointment of not losing the weight fast enough. In between bites of chocolate covered cookies and sips of eggnog, the following thoughts for the other side crossed my mind as well: I'm running out of time before the health issues start to kick in full force; I have so many big events coming up this year that I want to look my best for; and most importantly..It's just time...because I'm tired. I've been on this roller coaster my whole life. I'm tired of wasting my energy on this depressing state that plagues my every thought. I'm tired of trying and failing.
I don't remember a day of my entire life that the word "fat" hasn't crossed my mind...not one single day. It's exhausting just writing it. Some people have "a reason" for their weight gain. The three beautiful children they gave birth to left a little extra love behind; an accident caused them to be bedridden for months which resulted in a few additional pounds; or some horrific circumstance forced them to hide inside a few extra layers so they could feel safe again. I wish I had "a reason", but I don't. I just ate too many of the wrong things growing up and didn't get enough exercise to burn the extra calories I was taking in. As the years continued to float by and the teasing and alienation became more than I could bear, I began to find comfort in food. All I knew was that I had very few friends, spent a lot of time alone, had no date to the dance, and the food somehow made me feel a little bit better.
If you were to ask me how I see myself, I see two people. The rational side of me sees a successful, super blessed, Christian girl with an amazing husband and a life full of dreams come true. The diseased side of me sees a lonely, overweight, gap-toothed girl with a good life she doesn't deserve. I try not to share that girl with the world too much because I'm supposed to be letting God's light shine through me, and that side of me is very dark. No amount of weight loss will ever fix that sad girl. But God...God can fix the sad girl. And this time, I asked Him to help. I asked Him to walk beside me every day and be there with me when I fight temptation. He's been guiding me to the tools I need to finally break through the barriers that are holding me back and essentially suffocating me. I can see God's handiwork clear as day. And, that is why this time will be different...
Stay tuned for more "Moments of Truth" every Monday as I work through the demons that have plagued me my entire life. I'm not sharing this journey for pity, and I'm not sharing these truths to be put on a pedestal. I simply want to hold myself accountable, maybe inspire someone else, maybe show someone that overweight people are not punching bags...We will break. By putting myself "out there", my secrets are exposed, and I have nothing left to lose...except the weight.
"You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north." (Deuteronomy 2:3)
