I’ve been in a mood today. I meant to get around to setting up the sewing machine and making my pincushion, but I just haven’t. The day has been pretty boring; so, in an attempt to find some inspiration, I looked back to some old blogs from myspace. I decided to repost excerpts from a collection of them, because I think it shows how far I have come and how productive this last year has actually been!
On December 18, 2008, I wrote:
EDUCATION: something I believe in strongly, something I feel is valuable, something that sets you apart.
On that note, I do not, absolutely do not feel that a person should have to exchange that for dignity, sleep, health, good quality of life, sanity, affection, family and friends, happiness, a clean house, birthdays, holidays, fun, relaxation, shopping, a savings account, home cooked meals, wine and beer, nights on the town, tons of money, reading a good book for fun, or blogging on myspace. These are all things I haven’t had, haven’t had time to do, or have had to put on hold in the last three years since I’ve been at school at UTA.
My major is definitely harder than most. Only the people that go through design school truly get it. Design school is not getting sleep for days at a time, spending insane amounts of money on printing and building models, spending insane amounts of time on homework just to do it all over again, dealing with teachers that teach by not teaching, figuring everything out on your own, never knowing what is going on, dealing with technology problems and hours of lost work, being told over and over that it’s just like this in the real world, being criticized to no end, wondering all the time if you are right for this career, wondering if you are going to pass even though you worked as hard as you possibly could, sitting through hours of horrifying critiques after three days of no sleep, wondering every single day if you will ever be done, and knowing there is no turning back because you have already invested too much time, money, and effort to turn back now.
On January 28, 2009, I wrote:
I’m at a point in my life where I feel like I’m walking around in a cloud. I don’t know what’s up or down. I spend so much time trying to get through school that I feel like I am missing out on life. I keep telling myself that when May gets here everything’s going to change. What if it doesn’t? What if I don’t make it to May? Will this have been worth it? I just pray that I get the chance to make things feel right again.
On April 22, 2009, I wrote:
I am really low today. I’m just tired…so tired. I can’t do this school thing anymore. I have about two weeks left and know it’s going to be absolute torture. Assignments from every class are coming up due and they aren’t simple either. There is not enough time in the day to do everything well even without sleep. I hate school…plain and simple. It isn’t at all what I expected it to be. I have no life, no self-esteem, and am quickly forgetting who I was before I came here. For the past three years, I have been rejected every day. Just when I think I’ve done something well, I find out I’m mistaken. I haven’t found any aspect of design that I feel I’m good at. Of course there is the thought that it is all based on the opinions of my teachers, that other people may love what I’ve done. It’s just so hard to feel good about what you do when there is constant criticism of your personal work. Hopefully, I’ll get a great job that will change my mind about myself and show me all of the things I’m great at. I’m praying that I will pass this semester and finally be done with school. I need to be able to put this awful, regrettable chapter of my life behind me, so that I can move on and live the life I was meant to live. I know that this is not it.
How grateful I am for my life when I re-read these thoughts. The years I spent in school were hard, full of struggle and survival. School presented such a mental challenge. Sometimes, I have no idea how I made it through. Fortunately, God did give me the chance to feel right again! School took so much from me, physically and emotionally. I’m thankful that God gave me the strength to do it, because graduating is a very proud accomplishment.
I can’t wait to see what God has in store for me next! He sure has been keeping me waiting…
It's seems crazy to me that all of us probably felt similar but couldn't express that. Well I sure didn't. My mom recently told me that while I was at UTA, she felt she had lost me. I couldn't even carry a decent conversation with her. Let's just say now we talk mostly everyday. Lots of catching up :*) - those are tears of happiness!
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