In My Defense...

Over the weekend, Justin boasted to me about this email he got from his mom (thanks for following by the way) entitled “Man Rules.” As he proceeded to read it to me, I told him I’d already read it. After sharing a few too many rules with me (that I’ve already heard before), and after a few cold stares, he says, “And I’ll read the rest quietly to myself.” I hate this email. It’s so rude. It’s not like women don’t already know the rules. Shoving them down our throats in such an insensitive and derogatory way is insulting. I’m going to enclose the “Man Rules” next, then share my rebuttal afterward.

MAN RULES
(These are all numbered ‘1’ on purpose.)
1. Men are not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. All men see in only 16 colors. Like windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!

WOMAN RULES by: Erica
(These are all numbered from ‘1’ to ‘20’ because we can count.)
1. Duh! If you were mind readers, you would be useful.
2. Learn to work the stove, the oven, the dishwasher, the washer, and the dryer. You’re a big boy. Yeah, that toilet seat doesn’t sound so difficult now does it?
3. Nope, the dancing-naked-while-drunk pictures I have of you in my underwear drawer are blackmail.
4. What’s the point in asking for what we want? Let us be clear on this one: You won’t do what we ask any way!
5. We’ll remember that yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question when you ask us, “What’s for dinner?” or “Where’s my green shirt?”
6. Don’t come to us for help solving your problems. That’s what your boyfriends are for.
7. You don’t remember anything you said 6 months ago. We’re probably just telling you that you said it and you believe us.
8. You probably don’t think that you’re fat, but you are.
9. You’re not intelligent enough to say anything but yes and no. That’s probably why we’re sad or angry.
10. It doesn’t matter if we ask you to do something or tell you how to do it; that selective hearing kicks in and you “forget”.
11. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say instead of staying silent and unresponsive.
12. Christopher Columbus did need directions. Leif Ericson wrote them down for him. Not to mention, Chris needed a woman to finance his voyage.
13. If asked, men probably couldn’t even list 16 colors.
14. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ we will nag you to death until you tell us. Just tell us already, and you’ll avoid the hassle.
15. If you ask a stupid question, expect a stupid answer.
16. When we go somewhere, we don’t tell you when you look like an idiot because it’s just not worth the hassle. Really.
17. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss old boyfriends or all the money we spent while shopping yesterday. Then again, you don’t ever ask us what we’re thinking any way.
18. You have enough power tools.
19. You have too many hobbies.
20. I am in shape. I’m a trophy wife, and I’m too hot for you!

Writing is way cheaper than therapy…