Why is it that I get so worked up over things I can't control? Why do I feel like a prisoner in my own body, not able to be happy, not able to enjoy my amazing life? I'm sure this all started when I was a child. As I've said before, I often felt lonely growing up, being faced with alienation from obesity at a young age. This is when I became my best friend and my internal dialogue became my worst enemy. I began saying terrible things to myself that I would never have said to someone else. I was trying to make sense of why I was being mistreated, and nothing ever made sense other than the way I looked. So, I told myself that I was fat and ugly, and it grew from there. Unfortunately, that dialogue has followed me well into adulthood.
That dialogue accelerated to complaining about everything, ashamedly not only to myself but to others. Somehow complaining and being negative towards other people and situations made me feel a bit better about my sad existence. Somewhere along the way, it began to be something I couldn't control and now, something I loathe about myself. It's really hard to be a Christian out in the world, trying to shine your light for Jesus when the only words you can think of to share are mean and selfish. Before I started this journey, it was very difficult not to be bitter about everything. I never understood why until now. It's something I've finally begun to understand while reading Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose". His philosophical approach to the mind has really hit the nail on the head for me. I knew this book was going to be a lifesaver for me when I got to the meat of the book and felt like he was speaking to me.
"Many feel a diminished sense of self-worth because they perceive their body as ugly or imperfect....Most people are so completely identified with the voice in the head--the incessant stream of involuntary and compulsive thinking and the emotions that accompany it--that we may describe them as being possessed by their mind...Every complaint is a little story the mind makes up that you completely believe in...In many cases, happiness is a role people play, and behind the smiling facade, there is a great deal of pain...Alienation means you don't feel at ease in any situation, any place, or with any person, not even with yourself. You are always trying to get "home" but never feel at home...There is a generic term for all negative emotions: unhappiness...Your memories are invested with a sense of self, and your story becomes who you perceive yourself to be...They then know that neither their unhappy story nor the emotion they feel is who they are." --All excerpts from "A New Earth"
Wow...I seriously just saw this problem I have as weakness, as one more thing to hate about myself. However, when I started reading this book, I thought that maybe there was a way out of this downward spiral. Most importantly, Eckhart Tolle convinced me that this is not my fault, and it shouldn't be perceived as something wrong with me. Every day is a struggle, but now I am aware of what my mind is doing. I just needed someone to explain it to me. I feel much happier just existing now, and I can quickly stop my negative thoughts and turn them into positive ones. It's difficult working on this and my physical health at the same time, but I know that these two issues "feed" one another. The more unhappy I am with my body, the more negative I become about life. When I am in control of my life, the negative thoughts are less prominent.
In spite of this sad side of myself that most people don't see, I am very much a cheerleader for those around me. That is who I really am. Finally, after so much time, I think I'm beginning to see what others see. I've always been the encourager. I've always tried to be that one person that people could depend on to say or do something encouraging. I now realize why. I wouldn't change my childhood for anything. That would mean I wouldn't be that person that people depend on to send the thoughtful gift or to share an encouraging message. I now realize that this is why God put me on this earth. My gift is to encourage others! It makes me happy to bake a special batch of cookies from scratch for someone I love or to hand-make a Christmas card that will bring a smile to a person that desperately needs it. I've found that I need to embrace this gift and do more of these things because making others happy is what makes me happy!
Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. (1 Peter 4:10)
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