In the Doghouse...

When I was a kid, my parents had these sayings that drove me crazy. Now that I’m older, I’m able to decipher what they were really trying to say. These quotes that seemed like they were just meant to make me feel like a small child were really from a very serious and prestigious parent code. I have enclosed the short verbal version, followed by the long deep-thought version. Read on:

1. “If you keep making that face, it’ll freeze that way.”
Meaning: I wish you would quit distorting your face, especially in public. It’s embarrassing. I’m hoping that if I tell you your face will stay ugly, you will stop.

2. “I’ll give you something to cry about.”
Meaning: You are whining about something very stupid. It is frustrating. If you keep on, I will spank you for being a baby. Thus, making you cry harder.

3. “Money doesn’t grow on trees.”
Meaning: You told me you want something I can’t afford. This is what I say to make me feel better about not being able to buy it for you. Other times, I say it because what you have asked for is extremely outrageous, and I’m appalled by your greediness at such a young age.

4. “If you eat those watermelon seeds, you’ll grow watermelons out of your ears.”
Meaning: Normal people do not eat the seeds of watermelons. You are a kid, so you do weird things. This is my way of trying to get you to stop this weird habit.

5. “Because I said so.”
Meaning: I got nothing. I just want you to do what I said.

6. “If you eat your boogers, you will get worms.”
Meaning: What you’re doing disgusts me. Having worms is even more disgusting. Maybe you will think so, too.

7. “I brought you into this world. I can take you out.”
Meaning: I labored for hours and hours to give birth to you. You are frustrating me so bad, I am reconsidering that choice.

8. “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”
Meaning: If someone does something bad to you, you shouldn’t do something bad in return. Just because Mommy seeks revenge doesn’t mean you should, too.

9. “If everybody else jumped off a bridge, would you do it, too?”
Meaning: I know that you think you should get to do everything that everybody else does. What you don’t realize is that what you want to do is just as stupid as following people off a bridge. You just don’t see it yet.

10. “I will knock you into the middle of next week.”
Meaning: I am so frustrated with you right now. I am thinking about hitting you very hard. If I were to hit you right now, being as mad as I am, you would be hit so violently that you would fly through time (think about how hard Superman hits).

11. “Do as I say, not as I do.”
Meaning: I tell you to do things that are good, honest, and kind because I am trying to raise you up right. I have a lot of wisdom that you don’t understand. If at some point you see me do the opposite of what I have told you to do, you should just ignore it because there is a very good explanation for why I did it. I just don’t have time to discuss it right now.

12. “I’ve got eyes in the back of my head.”
Meaning: I have this motherly intuition that tells me you are getting into trouble. I tell you that I can see you when I am not facing you, so that I may dissuade you from making faces and gestures behind my back. Oftentimes, I am facing a window and can see what you are doing in the reflection of the glass.

I hope that this post is therapy for all of your built up frustration with your traumatic childhood. Now that you hear yourself saying these same things to your children, maybe you’ll stop. Or, maybe you will laugh a little harder as you realize that you have become your mother.

See ‘ya in the funny pages…