Day 330...

Last week was troubling enough to make me realize that I still have a ways to go on this journey. I knew early on that this journey would be hard. A year ago, it was all about the food...what to eat, what not to eat, how to avoid unhealthy choices, etc. Now, it's all about thinking...what to think, what not to think, how to avoid negative thoughts, etc. There is a lot of negative chatter going on in my head. Something manifested itself in me long ago determined to keep me down for the rest of my life. It certainly is strong enough to do that, but my God is bigger.

When it comes to the things that stress me out, I have to try extra hard to guide my thoughts to a positive place. When my instinct is to yell, I have to praise God. When my instinct is to complain, I have to spout out my blessings. When my instinct is to put myself down, I have to list my accomplishments. When my instinct is to feel sorry for myself, I have to rejoice in my trials. When my instinct is to put others down, I have to show compassion instead. It has not been easy to retrain my mind, but it is doable. I am making progress. Anything is possible with God.

If I were to ask myself what I do that pleases God and then what I do that needs His reconstruction, I would answer like this: I give but expect in return. I give thanks but complain. I love but judge. I pray but lose faith. I praise but lose sight. I seek but look for the wrong things. I know God is working in my life. It is evident to me every day. I never knew that this journey would be quite so hard. I didn't know that there were so many things about myself that needed reconstruction.

So often when people choose to go on a weight loss journey, they seek only to lose the pounds. In all of the years that I have struggled with my weight, I have always known there was more to it. I knew I would have to dig down into a dark place to get to the root of my hurt. Perhaps, that is what holds others back as well. The goods news is that we don't have to take the journey alone. I honestly don't think I could have done this work without God's guidance and love. No matter how broken I see myself, God sees something perfect and beautiful. I shall continue to press on until I see myself as He does but also until I see those around me as He does as well.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Day 323...

I haven't had the greatest day. I know there are people out there dealing with a lot worse than me, but every once in a while, I have a horrible workday. Not just a bad day, a horrible day. Today, a growing list of mistakes I have made was brought to my attention. I desperately hate to make mistakes. One of my recent posts was about my perfectionism. I am typically harder on myself than other people are. I just take such pride in a good work-ethic and my reputation for attention to detail. In recent months, I have been pushed to my limit, and then pushed some more. At least once a week, I end up in crying fits because I can't seem to find a solution to this grueling work situation that I am in.

After work, I was skimming through my email, and I noticed the weekly church bulletin. I downloaded the PDF and began reading the announcements, many of which I already knew about. However, there were some new details about our holiday dinner coming up. As I read through the different needs for the dinner, I shockingly came across mine and Justin's names listed as the people in charge of decorations. This is the first I have heard of this. Justin knew nothing of said Christmas decorations, and I certainly would have remembered agreeing to such a task. I could not believe that this unexpected announcement came on the same day as my horrible workday.

As I had a bit of time to process, I came to a conclusion. I could be wrong, but I think God was trying to teach me that I can make mistakes, and the world won't end. I don't have to be “perfect”. Mistakes may make me feel terrible, but they happen to everyone. If for whatever reason, the people I work with aren't able to show compassion for my mistakes, especially while under extreme pressure and relying on a company that epitomizes “you get what you pay for”, there is no reason for me to lose sleep over it. That is not something I can change. I know that I do the very best I can with what I am given. I cannot control anything about the outside factors of my workday except for the way I react to stressful situations, and I will continue to do that in as Christian-like a manner as possible.

As for the holiday dinner decorations, I'm really not sure what that was about. I will find out for sure tomorrow if it was just a typo or an oversight on the asking part. I can suppose that God was trying to make me laugh in a “come on, are you kidding me kind of way”. But, I know that He knows me better than I know myself, so He should know that in the kind of mood I was in at that moment, it was absolutely not going to make me laugh. Tomorrow, perhaps...

Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. (Proverbs 28:13)

Day 316...

I have had quite the week of eye-openers. I've been seeing so many stories lately about people fighting for their lives, many of them young people. I just keep thinking that I don't have any problems compared to what they are going through. It's very humbling to think I have been blessed with good health and still find reasons to complain and new things to worry about. The good news is that I can shift my perspective pretty easily, so it doesn't take me long to get my mind right again.

Let's rewind to last Friday, weigh-in day. As I stepped on the scale, I envisioned a number, the number I wanted it to say, the number that would give me bragging rights of the perfectly even 50 pounds I am oh-so-close to losing. I wanted the scale to tell me that I had lost two pounds, just two pounds. As I slowly tilted my head down to look at that bright red number on the scale below me, my heart sank when I noticed that the number was higher than I envisioned, higher even than the last time I stepped on the scale. According to this scale, I had actually gained three pounds since my last weigh-in. I had to channel my girl, Lysa TerKeurst (author of Made to Crave) and tell myself that I had done nothing deserving of this weight gain. I had exercised and eaten well. I had absolutely nothing to feel bad about and no good explanation as to why it happened.

Sure, I was bummed. But, I went on about my day with the same attitude I would have if the scale had shown a smaller number. By the end of the  day I realized that God was trying to tell me something. I slipped. Just like I had in the past, I was making this journey about the number again. I put pressure on myself to hit a certain number. A few weeks ago, I shared with you guys that I made another goal for myself to lose a certain amount of weight by my one-year anniversary. I was putting pressure on myself to do more work than usual during the hardest time of year (the holidays). I was going against my own principles. The funny thing is I've done just fine without the numbers. I have not quit the journey yet. I've lost 48 pounds so far. I've lost more inches than I can count. I've gained bucketloads of wisdom. I've gained a spirit of happiness and a closer relationship with God. So, I am hereby renouncing my goal of losing a certain number of pounds by mid-January. I am going to continue to eat healthy and exercise, but I am also going to treat myself in moderation. Otherwise, I will drive myself crazy with deprivation, which always results in failure for me.

Thanksgiving is quickly approaching, and I'm more aware than ever of my blessings and the wonderful things in my life. I have my moments and lose focus momentarily, but God always reins me back in. I am grateful for His love and his neverending forgiveness. Every single day I fall short of what He expects of me. Yet, He continues to bless me and bring me back down to earth so I can catch my breath before our next adventure.

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song I will praise Him. (Psalm 28:7)

Day 309...

In our ladies Bible class last night we talked about memorial stones, physical and figurative. We discussed the Bible story where Joshua leads the Israelites into the Promised Land. After wandering around in the wilderness for 40 years, the Israelites finally were able to cross the Jordan into the land that the Lord had promised them. With the priests standing in the middle of the river, God parted the waters which allowed the people to cross on dry land. Once they all made it across, Joshua instructed twelve men to collect twelve stones from where the priests stood. Each tribe took a stone back to their camp that would serve from then on out as a memorial to remind the Israelites of all that God had done for them.  

We all have mementos that remind us of important events, those we love who have passed, and special memories that we share with those we love. Sometimes family members pass down special items that remind us of them every time we use them.  When we go on vacations, we bring home souvenirs so we will remember the fun we had. I have a mini Statue of Liberty that reminds me of my visit to NYC every time I look at it. Instantly, the memories come flooding back, not only from my visit specifically to the Statue of Liberty but to my entire week-long adventure that was an absolute dream come true.

I am writing this blog to serve as a memorial stone in itself. One day I am hoping I will have triumphed over many of the issues I've been facing, and I will have this blog to remind me of my journey with God through the troubled times. Every time I sit down to write, I am reminded of my realization that conquering the problems I have needed to fix could never have been accomplished on my own. I knew that I needed God to help me through, and I wanted to document my journey. If I were to print out all of these posts and bind them into a book to sit on my coffee table, it might seem a little more like a physical memorial stone. The most important part of a memorial stone is that the stories that go with the stone are shared, that we pass down the memories and lessons to those we care for. I think I've got that part right. Thank you for reading and being a part of my journey. I truly believe that God is working wonders in my life and that I will have a great story of perseverance and faith to pass down to future generations.

He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the Lord is powerful and so that you might always fear the Lord your God. (Joshua 4:24)

Day 302...

Wow...over 300 hundred days! What an amazing journey this has been...amazing in a faith building way. Most days are not easy, and there are still so many things I don't understand about myself. But, each day I seem to get a little closer to being where I want to be. Just last week, I read an article that really opened my eyes. Have you ever had a weight lifted from your shoulders just by knowing something? Somehow, awareness breathes life back into us. It may be hurtful and difficult to come to terms with, but after the initial shock has worn off, it somehow makes us better. Oprah has always said, "When you know better, you do better."

Last week I read an article entitled 14 Signs Your Perfectionism Has Gotten Out Of Control written by Carolyn Gregoire. Here is the link if you'd like to read it for yourself:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/06/why-perfectionism-is-ruin_n_4212069.html 

It only took three sentences for me to know I had stumbled onto something that might change my life. "If you've ever cried about getting a B+ or ending up in second place, there's a good chance you're a perfectionist. As a culture, we tend to reward perfectionists for their insistence on setting high standards and relentless drive to meet those standards. And perfectionists frequently are high achievers -- but the price they pay for success can be chronic unhappiness and dissatisfaction."

Immediately, sensors started going off in my mind...Hey, that's me!! As I began reading through the 14 signs, I suddenly began to understand a little more about myself. I don't necessarily like to admit that I don't know why I do certain things, but I do find it difficult to explain my deeply hurt feelings, my shameful thoughts towards others, and my inability to just stop allowing things to bother me. Now, I can...sort of. I've always known I am a perfectionist, and I hate making mistakes, but I didn't realize that it was plaguing me. I didn't know that my desire to do everything perfectly was keeping me from trying new things, allowing friends to be "good enough", being content in the moment, and most importantly...being a happy person! Not every sign resonated with me, but most of them certainly did.

I've always been eager to please. I'm a big procrastinator. I'm highly critical of others. I go big or go home. I know there's no use crying over spilt milk, but I do anyway. I take everything personally. I get really defensive when criticized. I'm never quite "there yet". To a degree, I take pleasure in other people's failures. I get secretly nostalgic for my school days. I have a guilty soul...wait, what? It's true...I didn't know I was all of these things until I stopped to think about it. According to the article, I would be considered an "other-oriented perfectionist", meaning I am motivated by the desire for social approval. Bingo! Right there, I got it.

Naturally, a little girl with a weight problem would develop a need for social approval. The mentality was...If I don't look like everyone else, then I should achieve more to make up for that shortcoming. If I fail at an achievement, I will eat more food to make myself feel better...And, thus the vicious cycle of food dependence began and lasted for years and years. And, now, here I am. No wonder I have no time to "be still and know". All that perfection stuff is in my head fighting for my attention. But, I am grateful for this awakening, and I know this is a huge step forward. Having a name to encapsulate all of these negative, unwanted traits tells me that I can fix it. Already, I can recognize when the perfectionist is coming out.

I'm so grateful God led me to this article. It answered so many questions for me. It's another huge step in the right direction. It wasn't easy to read, and most certainly wasn't easy to digest. But, God sends us what we need when we are ready for it. And, I have been more than ready to face this. I'm almost excited about it. I find great peace in knowing that I don't have to be this person anymore. Now starts the part of the journey that allows me to cut myself some slack, find a little peace within, and let the stress roll off my back. Now that I know better, I can do better.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. (Psalm 139:14)

Day 295

I'm back on the exercise wagon...woohoo. It's nice to be back on the downward slope (in a good way). After a couple weeks of sickness and a couple of weekends traveling and one of the most fattening holidays of the year, I am finally back to it in full force. I'm working on shifting my focus on a few other areas of my life to find a little more peaceful calm. I can't fix everything all at one time, and my lifestyle change is my most important journey. So, I have to make it number one again.

I am the type of person that wants everything to be perfect. The problem is that when my focus is on perfection, I get overwhelmed. I lose sight of what's important. So, here I am again, moving back to square one to refocus my attention. The nice thing is though that I haven't sabotaged myself yet, which shows real growth on my part. Maintaining weight loss and having the ability to know when it is time to stop treating yourself is a huge part of the journey. I'm glad that I've been able to do that several times this past year. God has sent me some real tests, and it is only with Him by my side that I have been able to pass those tests.

As I look to the months ahead where I've set another small goal for myself, I get a little nervous that I won't be able to accomplish it. It's harder to lose weight now, as I've been cutting back for a while now. Plus there are all of the Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners to look forward to, as well as all of the special treats along the way and lots of traveling to visit all of the family. I may just have to step up the exercise for a little while, instead of cutting back the calories. But, if I stay on the wagon like I plan to, January 2014 will be the first time in my life that I haven't treated the beginning of the year as a pressure to start losing weight (again!). It will be a time to just keep on keeping on and to look forward to my one year anniversary of operation "It's Time". Now that's something to look forward to!

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)

Day 288...

God provides. That is what I have learned this week. He provides the essentials (which we shouldn't take for granted), but He also provides guidance, opportunity, and peace of mind. He doesn't always provide as quickly as we would like or in the way that we want, but God will always provide in the best way, His way. I may never understand why I would possibly think that I have all of the answers. Leaning on God is so much easier than trying to figure it all out. God gives me so much more than I deserve. The least I can do is trust Him.

Growth is a great thing. When you make it to a place where you can see true changes within yourself, it is an amazing feeling of accomplishment. The most important thing to do at that point is to give thanks. I couldn't be more grateful that I have God by my side each and every day. He's been with me when I wanted to reach for another piece of candy. He's been there when I wanted to lash out in frustration. He's been there when I felt like I had no one to talk to. He's been there when I needed to be stronger than I thought I had strength for. He's been there when I didn't think I could possibly roll out of bed and exercise. He's been there when others have been insensitive and caused me pain. He's been there when I have been my own worst enemy. He's always there. We just have to be willing to receive, really receive Him and make Him a permanent part of our lives. 

Everything is not going just like I would like right now, but I have faith that God is helping me grow while preparing me for something wonderful. My job is very stressful, and I don't make the amount of money I should. I am an excellent employee, and I always do whatever is asked of me. I have a long list of reasons for why I think I deserve better, but if God isn't bringing me an obvious resolution, there is really not a lot I can do about it. I pray...a lot! I have recently added a sticky note to my computer to remind me to say a prayer every morning before I start my work day. Generally, that prayer is specifically about work and my desire to deal with whatever comes my way in a Godly way. Some days I fall short but most days, I do think before I take action.

The most important thing I should remember right now is that God is in control and He knows my future. I would never want to settle for less than what He wants to give me. What if my simple desire is just the tip of the iceberg of what He wants me to have? Who am I to stand in the way of God's blessings for even me? A few days ago, I came across a quote on facebook. It didn't have a name with it, but I found it to be very encouraging..."If a problem has brought you to prayer, then it has served its purpose." There is nothing more important than our relationship with God. Sometimes He allows us to go through difficult times so that we will turn to Him. I, personally, wouldn't want it any other way. My only real job in this life is to prepare to go to Heaven, and I can't do that if I don't have a meaningful relationship with God.

Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! (Luke 12:24)