Last week I read an article entitled 14 Signs Your Perfectionism Has Gotten Out Of Control written by Carolyn Gregoire. Here is the link if you'd like to read it for yourself:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/06/why-perfectionism-is-ruin_n_4212069.html
It only took three sentences for me to know I had stumbled onto something that might change my life. "If you've ever cried about getting a B+ or ending up in second place, there's a good chance you're a perfectionist. As a culture, we tend to reward perfectionists for their insistence on setting high standards and relentless drive to meet those standards. And perfectionists frequently are high achievers -- but the price they pay for success can be chronic unhappiness and dissatisfaction."
Immediately, sensors started going off in my mind...Hey, that's me!! As I began reading through the 14 signs, I suddenly began to understand a little more about myself. I don't necessarily like to admit that I don't know why I do certain things, but I do find it difficult to explain my deeply hurt feelings, my shameful thoughts towards others, and my inability to just stop allowing things to bother me. Now, I can...sort of. I've always known I am a perfectionist, and I hate making mistakes, but I didn't realize that it was plaguing me. I didn't know that my desire to do everything perfectly was keeping me from trying new things, allowing friends to be "good enough", being content in the moment, and most importantly...being a happy person! Not every sign resonated with me, but most of them certainly did.
I've always been eager to please. I'm a big procrastinator. I'm highly critical of others. I go big or go home. I know there's no use crying over spilt milk, but I do anyway. I take everything personally. I get really defensive when criticized. I'm never quite "there yet". To a degree, I take pleasure in other people's failures. I get secretly nostalgic for my school days. I have a guilty soul...wait, what? It's true...I didn't know I was all of these things until I stopped to think about it. According to the article, I would be considered an "other-oriented perfectionist", meaning I am motivated by the desire for social approval. Bingo! Right there, I got it.
Naturally, a little girl with a weight problem would develop a need for social approval. The mentality was...If I don't look like everyone else, then I should achieve more to make up for that shortcoming. If I fail at an achievement, I will eat more food to make myself feel better...And, thus the vicious cycle of food dependence began and lasted for years and years. And, now, here I am. No wonder I have no time to "be still and know". All that perfection stuff is in my head fighting for my attention. But, I am grateful for this awakening, and I know this is a huge step forward. Having a name to encapsulate all of these negative, unwanted traits tells me that I can fix it. Already, I can recognize when the perfectionist is coming out.
I'm so grateful God led me to this article. It answered so many questions for me. It's another huge step in the right direction. It wasn't easy to read, and most certainly wasn't easy to digest. But, God sends us what we need when we are ready for it. And, I have been more than ready to face this. I'm almost excited about it. I find great peace in knowing that I don't have to be this person anymore. Now starts the part of the journey that allows me to cut myself some slack, find a little peace within, and let the stress roll off my back. Now that I know better, I can do better.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. (Psalm 139:14)
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