Day 358...

I have used the last couple of weeks to celebrate Christmas but also to give myself a break from all of the pressure that I have been experiencing lately. That is a new direction I plan to explore in this upcoming year. Somehow, somewhere along the way, I decided that I have to give more of myself than there is to give. I try to do everything my husband wants to do, everything my friends want to do, everything my work wants me to do, everything my church wants to do. Then, I realize that I don't have time to do what I want to do. Before long, I am burnt out and just long for a free Saturday of rest and movies. Don't get me wrong...I feel strongly that this life is not about me. It is about God and His will for my life and doing what He wants me to do. But, if I have time to do all of the things that everyone else wants me to do, surely I can find some time for me.

I have come a long way in this last year, but I feel like I have just scraped the surface with all of the things I want to work on and do better with. But, I feel like it is time to focus on life and live it, rather than making every day about being someone different than I am. I have to find a healthy balance of progress and happiness. I have found that trying so hard to be happy also makes me unhappy. I feel like I am trying so desperately to fit into my world, and I am finding that that is quite uncomfortable, and it is a lot of work! I am me, and me is great, and me is like no one else, and that is great, too! If only it were easy to feel that on a daily basis even when all of the cruddy parts of life rear their ugly heads. On the tough days, I have a really hard time not feeling sorry for myself. I hope I'm not alone in that.

I don't have any resolutions for 2014. I don't have any goals or expectations. I would like for some of the things I've been praying about this last year to be resolved. That would be pretty awesome! But, even if that doesn't happen, I hope to find a way to be content with what God has blessed me with. I think we all want something we don't have, and even when He gives us what we want, we find something new to want. I am thinking seriously about taking up a creative hobby, an outlet for my emotions, something new to invest myself in and be excited about. Maybe finding a new purpose in life, one just for me, will make the hard days easier to digest, and in return, lead me to be at peace with exactly who I am.

Lead me, Lord, in your righteousness because of my enemies - make your way straight before me. (Psalm 5:8)