I'm beginning to realize how lonely this journey can be. Don't get me wrong...I have tons of encouraging people in my life that are supporting me every step of the way and every chance that they get. I couldn't be more grateful. That encouragement carries me a very long way. But, they can't be with me every minute of every day. It would be nice to have my own little group of cheerleaders with pom-poms in tow cheering me on beside my desk as I work. Give me an E! Give me an R! You get the drift... Unfortunately, that's just not feasible.
I've never met a single person that could fully understand my journey. Maybe they struggle with their weight but only have 20 pounds to lose. Maybe they have been overweight their entire life but don't have a problem with their poor attitude about it. Maybe they are a strong Christian but don't have a weight issue. Maybe they flip out during stressful situations but don't see anything wrong with that. I have yet to meet anyone that has struggled with their weight their entire life, needs to lose an entire person worth of weight, has a super strong relationship with God, has a problem with stressful situations, and passionately desires happiness alongside a healthy lifestyle change. Perhaps I can't find this person because God doesn't want me to. If I were to find this person here on earth, I might lose sight of the fact that God is the only one that truly understands. He understands my heart, and as a human, there is no way I could find the words to tell another person what my heart is feeling. The more alone I feel in this world, the more I cling to God.
The loneliest time is when I am tucked away at home, away from the world, and alone with my thoughts. As I work to convince myself that "I can do it" and "things will get better" and "this is not my fault" and "I'm worthy of love no matter what size my body is" and "be proud, you're doing so well" and "I love you" and "you're so much closer to God now", there are always a few people that don't realize how tough this storm is that I've been drudging through. My shoes are not their size, and just when I think I'm making real progress, I have to fight hurtful words that aren't spoken out of love and understanding but from a different darker place. It's painful to know that my actions could hurt someone, but it's even more painful to be unfairly attacked. Even in the darkest of times, God slowly carries me back to shore and shows me that I am indeed making real progress, and all I have to do is breathe because once again, He's saved me from drowning.
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3)
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